Friday, May 30, 2014

trying this again


wish we knew exactly how to say what we need to say here and we're honestly wondering if the email sent from our yahoo address (our preferred addy) was received.

either way... we are dealing with some very tough issues right now, we are continuing EMDR and previous conversation with you over the last few months has added to the burden (our responsibility, not yours). if you did not receive the other email, i apologize for this one, but we had asked for space and time to deal with the emotions this has brought up. we promised to contact you and intend to keep our word.

it was somewhat confusing to be asked about subjects previously off limits with you, without direct acknowledment that these things were either no longer an issue for you or something for which you were willing to take the risk.

if we're going to talk, it would be best to first clear the air and be up front about our both having been hurt. otherwise, it's just a tap dance and at this point in time, not one we have the energy to participate in.

we love you. we care deeply about you and your family. we will contact you when we are ready and able to move on. until then, God's blessings to you and your family,


chalk up another mega-bitch moment...

the friend we wrote a letter to a few weeks ago asking for time and space, has begun sending occasional 'fwd fwd fwds' to us. no problem, we generally delete those anyway, no matter who they are from. just seemed odd (an emotional game actually) that they would start up right after the letter telling her we needed time.
today, we get the IM. how are you? after a few moments decided not to ignore her knowing how much it had hurt us when she did. we wound up chatting for a few minutes. she asked how our writing was going... a topic that a few weeks ago was triggering for her... we said it was good and we were enjoying ourselves. she then asked if it was therapeutic or our book (which had we been able to discuss that, she would know was on hold). we told her it was both as well as other kinds of writing. she then asked if it was marisa or reese... i said it was marisa... she asked after reese... told her that reese was taking a break from chat (actually only from her)... she asked why... i responded that it was at her request.
well, that pretty much shut the lid on anymore chit chat.
trying not to get angry at her total and complete disrespect for our request that she give us space. find it incredibly childish for her to not only continue contacting us, but doing so while pretending nothing ever occured. that's a sore spot for us. if you hurt us, you will lose a measure of trust. in her case, she is so desperately unable to see herself as anything but the victim, she can't even acknowledge that her actions hurt us. that will not earn our trust back. nor will going out of her way to bring up subjects she has told us were off limits. of course there is the expectation that we immediately know this is her way of saying it's okay to talk about these things, but we've never been the sort to care for such avoidance of things. you have something to say, be UP FRONT about it. that kind of game playing just doesn't fly. i'll accept it from my kids because they are kids, but even then we try to teach them to learn different ways of communicating. 
motown is not my child and i will not mother her. that is what got us into trouble in the first place.
okay, so not doing a very good job of not being angry...
bottom line... we have more than enough on our plate without having to try reading motown's mind because she refuses to take responsibility for her actions or emotions. GRRRRRRR.... this kind of bullshit i expect from my 10 & 11 yo children. this is not the stuff of healthy adult friendships.
seriously considering resending the letter... better yet, we'll just rant to charlie when he gets home and maybe punch a pillow for awhile. have better things to do than let this consume us. bah
so we reached 300 entries the other day??? coooool. i feel special...

Thursday, May 29, 2014

finally crashed and burned

spent today in bed. 
soon as kids are in bed we're going back. 
finally reached the point where my body and brain went on strike. 
feeling a bit better and hope tomorrow to maybe even feel rested? 
nahh too much to hope for. 


survey we've tried to post for days... ty zen      - 10/7/2002
I see:  More clearly than ever before
I need:  Real rest
I want:  A real day off
I have:  More than I need and not as much as I want
I wish:  My house was self-cleaning
I love:  Unconditionally 
I hate:  Ignorance, especially when the person shows it with pride
I feel:  Like sleeping for days
I hear:  Children playing downstairs
I smell:  Coffee
I crave:  A snickers freezee and a cherry-limeade
I wonder:  What it would feel like to be one mind
***When was the last time you...*** 
Cried?  Not sure. I think last Sunday when we brought Buddy home
Bought something?  Yesterday. Groceries
Just danced?  Couple of days maybe
Watched your favorite movie?  Couple of weeks 
Had a nightmare?  Not sure
Last thing you had to drink:  Coffee, coffee, coffee
Last thing you ate:  Chicken and rice
***Do You...*** 
Smoke?  Yes. Too much
Do drugs?  Not anymore
Have sex?  I have 5 kids.  Take a guess.
Sleep with stuffed animals?  Yes
Live in the moment?  Try to
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?  Married
Play an instrument?  Do vocal chords count?
Read the newspaper?  Most every day. Starting with the comics
Believe in miracles?  I am a miracle
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?  Absolutely
Consider yourself tolerant of others?  Most of the time
Have a favorite candy?  Snickers
Believe in God?  Absolutely
Pray?  Not as much as I’d like to
Go to church?  Try to
Have any pets?  2 dogs, 2 cats, guinea pig, turtle, 5 striped danios, and a 14 inch pleco
Do well in school?  Sometimes 
Have a best friend?  Yes 
Like your handwriting?  Nope. None of us like our own tho we like eachothers
Favorite animal?  Hedgehog
Who is the last person you kissed?  One of the kids
Who is the last person you were involved with?  My husband
Would you go up to someone and make out with them if someone dared you to?  Only if it were Charlie
Do you like to swim?  Yes!
Would you ever go bungee-jumping?  Depends on who you ask. Most of us would say no
Do you like dressing up?  Once in a while
Would you rather be short or tall?  Neither. I would have liked to be a couple of inches taller but mostly would just like to not shrink as I get older
What is your favorite type of movie?  Tearjerkers, 4 hankie type
What's your biggest fear?  Out living one of my children
Do you like to dance?  Love to
Do you think men and women can ever just be friends with out wanting each other?  Depends on the man and woman involved
Ever been in love?  Still am
Did you ever cry over someone of the opposite sex?  Probably
Who was your first crush?  Glen Campbell (Rhinestone Cowboy)
Who's your favorite Winnie the Pooh character?  Eeyore 
What is your favorite number?  5 
What is your favorite color? Green 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

in response


to a man who has, for several years now, hosted a series of pages and message forums devoted entirely to claiming that DID/MPD, recovered memories, or treatment of ANY kind for psychiatric reasons, to be not only invalid, but *contrary to the Word of God*

if Christianity is triggering or offensive for you, this is where you might want to stop reading.

we first saw this site (i will not link to it) last year when this man posted links in several message forums for littles (alters younger than 9). we were outraged, hurt and so upset we nearly had a fight with charlie over his refusal to hack this guy's site and take it down.

in doing some research on FAQ's about DID or relating to someone with DID, we happened upon this site. this man does all this in the name of God, which is a perfect example of the hypocrisy that turns so many from religion. he further shows his truly hateful nature in the 'attack of the MPD's' game on his site. the purpose of which is to zap the therapists and DIDers *invading* the earth and save it from destruction thru deception. yeah folks, this guy is for real. this guy's message forums are not intended for true debate on the validity of DID or recovered memory, but rather a place where he can bait multiples into an emotional argument he can throw scripture and finger pointing into, in hopes of proving the *sin* nature of multiples.

anyway, we wrote a response to one of his rantings and want to post it here. there is no anger or offense here. more a tremendous sadness for someone whose own wounds fuel his own nightmare....

Check out the newspapers. Also check out the talk shows, or your neighborhood therapy group.

I find it sadly interesting that these areas are where you tell people to look for evidence that those with DID use it as an excuse to escape responsibility for their sin. The first two involve secular media, clearly a bad choice when one is seeking truth. As to the local therapy groups, the simple fact is, that wounded people are often so busy taking responsibility for the lies their woundedness has planted in their hearts, that they are not immediately able to take responsibility for their own choices and actions. Learning to accept responsibility is part of not only the healing process but the walk of one who follows Christ.

The first concern I have about your site is the blatant and proud hatred you sow. The game at the bottom of the first page is beyond cruel and is the equivalent of a game for klansmen to play at lynching those they also hate. (My spell check tells me that klansmen is a *proper* noun. I refuse to capitalize such a heinous word). The second concern is the lack of not only truly scriptural backing you have for your beliefs but the questionable sources of physical evidence and proof of your statements. They too are just as fallible hard to prove as the stories from multiples you so angrily point a finger at. There are a number of scriptures it would be tempting to point out about loving your brother, casting judgments, and taking splinters from your brother’s eye that come to mind. As well versed as you seem to be, you should have no trouble locating them.

Paul said that when he was a child he spoke as a child, understood as a child, and thought as a child but when he became a man, he put away childish things. (1 Corinth. 13:11) Before I get to the point of that verse, it is recommended you read the entire chapter as well. This is not a matter of taking one verse out of context. The simple fact is that you, and I only know in part and it will be before God in Heaven when we will know, face to face the entirety of His Word, His love, His truth. This same chapter also reminds us that these three remain; faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love.

As to the verse paraphrased above; the phrase 'put away' is literally translated to 'render harmless'. Is that not what turning from the sins of the world does? Is that not what filling your heart with scripture that negates the enemy's attacks of condemnation does? Faith comes by hearing. We speak the scripture aloud so that it comes to the brain through both the eyes and ears. As its truth takes root in our hearts we are able to answer the one who taunts because we have trusted in His word (Psalm 119:42). The lies of the worthlessness and filth or stupidity of those who have been wounded in life, that you feed in your site, are the very lies the enemy would want a wounded person to believe. Because of God's grace and wisdom, WE are able to shrug off that which resembles the lies the enemy has filled our life with and embrace instead the words of God.

Can any of you say with honesty that you have never behaved in a childish manner in your adult years? Of course you have. We are human, created in God’s image but imperfect because of sin. Anyone who has suffered trauma, whether abuse related or not, carries it with them until, by the Grace of God and our Lord Jesus Christ, that sorrow is healed. The very mechanism of dissociation that is at the heart of DID is something everyone does to some extent in their lives. Highway hypnosis being a classic example, but more recently we heard stories from survivors of 9-11 speaking of being in the stairwell only to find themselves four miles away with no memory of having got there. People in the moments before an accident may describe feeling as if time had stopped or drastically slowed in the moments before impact. That is also dissociation. A child living with repetitive trauma will learn to escape the unbearable through dissociation.

That does not mean that the memory has to be blocked, only to be ‘recovered’ years later. In my case, most of the abuse was never forgotten, only the emotions and the acceptance that those things had happened to *me* were locked away. When one is hurt as a child the emotional growth is often stunted (that would be a soul, rather than physical or spiritual, issue), causing that person to retain the childishness within them for many years. Phobias are a very good example of that. When Christ is given authority over that event, the maturation of emotional responses can be accomplished. It is highly doubtful that anyone on this list can say they have not one area of their life that does not resemble a child more than an adult. It doesn't even have to be related to trauma. A child coddled and petted their entire lives will remain childish throughout his or her life because they were never taught to grow as one should.

To address the concept of emotional healing being a soul issue; we know we are created in the image of God, correct? In His image in that He is three in one with The Father, The Son (who is the body), and the Holy Spirit. We also are three in one with a soul (our mind, will and emotions), a physical body, and our spirit, which belongs only to God and cannot be divided. It is the soul that is left wounded by trauma (the word trauma means any event which has a powerfully damaging effect. It does NOT have to be abuse).

The soul of a man is often referred to as his ‘heart’. When we are sorrowful or wounded we are said to be brokenhearted. The word brokenhearted appears only twice in the bible as one word. (Isaiah 61:1, Luke 4:18) All other references to a broken heart are two words. The literal translation for ‘broken hearted’ is sorrowful. In the original texts the word ‘brokenhearted’ is translated to fractured or broken soul. That, my friends, is exactly what DID is. Because Christ came to heal and not to condemn, there is no fear that He would turn away from healing the brokenness of my soul. There is not one promise in scripture I have not seen the Lord fulfill. Just as much as you may despise us (scriptures about brothers turning against brothers come to mind), God loves even the multiple.

He does not require me to be one mind. He forgives the fact that I am a ‘double minded’ person, because He is slow to anger and knows the cry of my heart is wholeness in Christ. Just as Jesus reached out to the very dregs of humanity in His walk on this earth, so does God reach even the shamed and broken. One is not required to be perfect in order to be acceptable in God’s eyes. He sees us as He created us, as we are and as we will be. He knows the journey we take and has lovingly provided both Christian and secular people to travel with me. As with Much Afraid in Hind’s Feet on High Places, these people have been sent by the Great Shepherd, not to heal me, for only God can do that. Not even to ‘guide’ me, for it is His Word which guides this healing, but to be my companions and friends on this walk. They are there to help direct (even the agnostic doctor has yet to advise anything contrary to scripture) and to be by my side when my enemy would try to attack.

Yes, I am many. Yes, I bear guilt and shame for the evil done to me. I take responsibility for the sins committed by choice, no matter which ‘part’ of me chose. They are all parts of me, like a broken mirror that remains in its frame. There are no ‘lost’ pieces. God knew me before I was formed. He knew that this child of rape would live a very hard life. He knew that every pedophile I came across would recognize an easy target. He knew that I would be wounded by people I don’t call my abusers. They are my adoptive mum and dad. Two incredible, giving and sincere people who loved in the best way they knew how. Two people who, even at their worst never intended harm or to leave lasting scars. They too were imperfect children of God. They still are. In part because of my multiplicity, not only have my parents sought healing for their hearts (not through counseling but through their faith in Jesus) and forgiveness for sins committed in ignorance, it has brought a family of 11 closer because we were all able to acknowledge that as hard as we tried, we were not the perfect family. We have all done things for which we need forgiveness. In the 3 years since the ‘official’ diagnosis, this family has moved far closer in relationship to one another and to God.

This process has validated me as a child of the King, has taught me oh, so much about God’s perfect love, about truly trusting all things to Him. No mere man can sway *us* from our path to wholeness. Were I to die tonight, it would be one spirit who would stand before God and only one soul. I know that whatever imperfection remains when I stand before Him, will have already been healed. Until I do stand before Him, it is my responsibility to give each piece of myself over to Him (bottom line, it’s no different than being saved while still holding onto sin. We must choose to hand it to Him and repent that we may be healed), to heal and put back in its rightful place. Father God has given me many gifts, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have witnessed His mighty works, in the form of broken bones healed as we(my pastor’s wife and I) watched my daughter’s shattered and purple face, return to normal in moments. He can do ALL things and I long ago ceased questioning or angrily condemning that which I do not understand.

I do not understand why only one part of me has a heart murmur, or why some are severely allergic to things others aren’t, or why the astigmatism in both eyes only shows up when a certain ‘part’ takes the yearly eye exam. I do not understand why these terrible things in my past had to happen, but I know that it will ultimately be to His Glory because that which the enemy desires for evil, God can bring to His Glory. I know that because of scars on my arms and the things I’ve been through, I can be a vessel for God to do His work. Like Dave Roever, my scars are a bridge between the wounded and the Love Of Christ. We do not feel compelled to offer ‘proof’ of our multiplicity, nor do we care if you refer to us in the singular. We are accountable to God for our shortcomings and wrongdoings. We are accountable for how we live no matter what has happened or how hard it is to turn these things over to Him. I will answer to Him for every hateful word I think, speak or write. As will you.

The Body of Christ has been at war with one another from the days of Paul. There is no light that can be shed through a cover of darkness. Salvation and freedom can never come from hatred and bitterness. For all the people who have been hurt or outraged by the pages here, it is those who propagate this shameful example of Wisdom in God or Love in Christ who will truly pay the price.

May God have mercy on you,

Marisa and Crew

reaction vs. response


here is a good argument for writing when you get upset, before acting on your feelings

if i hadn't written out what was going on inside... how it felt or had just stuffed it down out of reach, it would have come out in anger toward charlie and he would have reacted and we'd have had a fight instead of the productive discussion we had.

here's the reaction to being upset today, written just before charlie and i talked:

i'm tired. i need sleep. i need to rest. the only thing that stops the coughing is sleeping. charlie told me last night that this is like the cough he had last year that put him to bed for awhile. he read the entries up until yesterday evening and even after reading that he still is acting grouchy toward me for laying down. he needed to work today but took the day off because yesterday was so bad. i'd rather he not stay home if he's going to resent taking the day off because of me. i'd rather suffer thru the day alone than to have him in the house ignoring my presence except when i get in his way.

i am pissed about the fact that he knew how shitty i feel and when kris woke me up to remind me she needed to have her bookbag picked up before 5:30, i asked charlie if he could take her. his response was 'i'll do it because i know you don't want to. if you wanted to you wouldn't have asked.' granted, he threw a quick 'and i know you don't feel well' in there after he realized what an ass he was sounding like, but it was pretty much too late. i took her and took john to spend his birthday money as well. if i hadn't gone, charlie would not have remembered that part and it was my promise to take him anyway.

i am so pissed. no, really i'm hurt. being sick triggers me badly and i get the feeling he's pulling one of his 'sink or swim' routines, trying to tell me to just get over it. i'm hurt that he has spent the entire day at the computer ignoring me and the kids unless he's pissed. i'm trying not to cry because there is too much to do and crying will only irritate him. he's in *that* mood right now.

i shouldn't have to ask permission to rest when i'm sick. i shouldn't be made to feel guilty if i do and at the moment i feel completely and utterly abandoned by everyone in this house. abandoned, alone, brushed off, disregarded, worthless, selfish. shit shit shit

here's the response:

feel so shitty. i hate being sick. it upsets the entire system because it wasn't allowed as a kid. there are just so many raw emotions on the subject. i feel pressured to keep up with the house, which i couldn't do before i got sick. getting further and further behind just starts the whole 'failure/not good enough' message.

after i got home from taking kris and john out (i didn't feel up to going but went after getting pissed at charlie's reaction when i asked him to do it.), charlie asked if i was angry at him. i said yes immediately, rather than give myself time to chicken out. i told him i was angry and hurt. he knew as soon as he said it i was hurt, but didn't know how to respond. he let me go ahead and go out hoping i'd cool off so we could talk. (good move really).

for whatever reason, he had wanted me to verbally acknowledge that i didn't want to go out. he's not even sure why he wanted that but i'm sure it's an area of 'learning to speak your spouse's emotional language' that we will need to discuss later. (the language issue is one we've been trying to explain to harley and trish and that would naturally bring it up for us) i had thought my not wanting to go was obvious and was hurt by his use of the word 'want' because i took it in the context of 'too lazy'.

told him that i felt ignored and pressured. i resented him spending so much time on the computer today (as if we don't do it...). i vented some about feeling like it's not okay for me to be sick. not so much that i can't be sick but that it's not okay for me to stop and take time to get better.

told him how lonely i feel these days because we get no time at all together. i told him most of the things that are stressing us right now but it was the issue of being sick that finally reduced me to tears.

he got up and wrapped his arms around me and when i told him i need to be given permission to take care of myself he was able to understand that it needs to be verbal. i've tried so hard to put away the 'sick' triggers and it's still a huge thing. he thought that by not telling me to get up or by not pointing out what needs to be done, that that was 'permission'. he hugged me and apologized for not recognizing all these years that what i need (because i NEVER got it) was to be told to get in bed and take care of myself. i need that verbal acknowlegment or all the old messages and paranoia just take over and i read negativity into and personalize everything anyone does or says.

charlie told me how frustrated and tired he's been too. he told me about the areas where he was more or less feeling paranoid about things he thought were upsetting me. areas where he felt he wasn't measuring up. all things that weren't bothering us at all. things he needed to know were okay. so chalk up another *language* lesson and a fairly good cry.

i've been told to go to bed for the night and charlie is taking care of dinner and the kids.

so, g'night.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Phu-Que: the new wonder drug


you can tell the mood tonight by the choice of television and books. switching (no pun intended) back and forth between two movies that don't exactly leave the warm fuzzies and reading one that ends in heartbreak.

one of those days that make you wonder if anything more can possibly go wrong. one of those days where pessimism just moves in and makes itself at home. charlie is pulling another 9-10 day work week. no idea when he'll have time off but when he does, it's usually spent catching up on sleep.

could sleep forever. no amount of sleep provides rest and that makes it seem futile, though still very tempting. briefly entertained the thought of swallowing enough of something to force a day or two of sleep, but know better. just a small flight of wishful thinking, or perhaps an outright wish. it would at least quiet the endless coughing for a time.

the medication to treat the side effect that comes from any antibiotic, was forgotten again. it makes sense. the medication to treat the sickness doesn't work. the medication to treat the symptoms also works for shit. why remember the one essential for hope of any comfort until the damn thing runs its course?

meanwhile, each coughing spell irritates the throat enough that it will start bleeding again soon. no amount of medication has touched the headache.

attempted to put a fist thru a cabinet door earlier but lacked the necessary enthusiasm to do anything more than slightly bruise the knuckles. there are enough doors with holes in them already and the kids running around would have seen.

want desperately to indulge in a long bath but know too well what would happen. if people fall apart over finding evidence of cutting in the shower, how would they react to walking in on someone in a watery bloodbath?

 can't risk cutting as there is too much carelessness. all evidence must be removed, disposed of, cleaned and hidden again for later use. the last time there was cutting, the used blade was left in the shower and only remembered after being away from home for 4 hours. trying to get back before children got home from school or worse, charlie got home from work and stumbled upon it, was an experience in panic.

what kind of stupidity does it take to intentionally trigger oneselves. yes, the collective. buzzing away in a sound that can block out all others. why go out of your way to make it worse? why join in and encourage the noise if it is possible to shut it out? why join in the noise of the world if it is possible to shut it out as well?

then again, the world is not so easy to ignore.