Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Fall 1994 Entry 1

An MS Word journal kept during a brief period of counseling in late 1994. The depressive cycle had come around again. The "wall" between myself and my alters had been up for 3 1/2 years. This is the only writing prior to 1998 that had not been destroyed. The following 6 entries were written over the course of about 2 weeks.

I guess I have avoided this long enough. After last week I really did not want to do this anymore. There are so many things that I am trying to avoid. Sometimes I think I know what they are and other times I have no clue. I've spent so much time in a panic and I want it to stop. Sometimes I think I know how to make it stop and other times I have no idea.

I'm so tired of feeling like this. I know there is something blocking it but I don't know what.

I think I am afraid of this being too easy. I can't believe that as much as I want to feel better, I am willing to stay as I am, just because I don't know anything else. I have been this way, thought this way, had these problems for so many years, I am actually willing to stay this way because it is comfortable.