Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Fall 1994 Entry 3

I don't buy the lie that God will actually change anything. My life is my life. My memories are mine. They are the only things in my life that are constant. Now you tell me God wants them too. I don't believe that if I let God "change" my memories that the emotion will automatically change too. Even if that is true, what makes you think I want to give them up? They are what define me. I am what I feel. Dammit! I have never in my life been allowed to express what I feel without condemnation. Now you tel me that it is okay to express my feelings but that God is first going to change everything so that what I feel now won't be there to express. Where is the fucking justice in that? I don't want God to change my anger. I want to be angry. I am angry but I will never be allowed to let it out. If I five it to God, He's going to change it into something it is not. I want my anger and if I give it to God, I want it intact. Don't change what I feel! I have a right to feel it. If you change it, you take away my right to it. You tell me it is my right to feel what I do but that it's not good enough got you to accept it as it is. You can have wrath of your own but you can't accept mine without changing it first. If you love me as you say you do then why can't you let me show my anger in all its hideous glory? Why do you have to change it to make it acceptable? It's just another set of impossible fucking rules.

Why, why, why? There is no point in getting upset about the unfairness of it all. Who ever said life was fair? Well, I'm pissed anyway.