Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Fall 1994 Entry 4

I'm not sure if I should be proud of myself or not. For the last three days I have successfully convinced everyone around me that things are fine. No one that I am aware of has the slightest clue of that is really going on. I can't tell if that is a good or a bad thing. If I do eventually blow up, which is what usually happens, people will be taken by surprise. On the other hand, if they can see the stress, they will all be walking on eggshells around me knowing I'm about to freak. Which is worse?

I have to say thought that after three days of pretending, I am getting really sick of it. What I would like to do is scream and curse for a while. For God's sake, why does this have to be so hard? I was able to escape for all of about three house last night and then it all came back. What the hell am I supposed to do? What is next? I can't keep up this game. Even if I keep it all under wraps until next week, what good will it do? It will all just start over then. I will drag it all up only to take it back home again.

Okay, so I have to get to a point of trusting God with it all. How? How do I get to that point? I do not want to hear that it is as simple as just making a decision, though it probably is.

Why can't someone explain it in a way I can understand and accept? I guess because that's not possible. I am so sick and tired of this shit! I want it over, dammit! When its it ever going to end? Let's see, is that self-pity I am feeling? Yes, I do believe it is. Well, I guess that makes me a miserable little shit. What is my fucking problem? I swear I can't do anything right. Even if I can it doesn't matter a bit because I don't believe it. I am a fuck up. I fuck up everything. Those goddamned labels that come screaming at me with every thought and every word I speak. I can't react right to anything. I can't feel anything right. I can't see anything right. I am fed up with the lie that I am anything other than what I believe, yet at the same time I desperately want to believe it.

I am such a fuck!