Thursday, March 31, 2011

Fall 1994 Entry 5

Just a note to mention this entry doesn't indicate there had been an attempt at suicide during this time. It was referring to the half dozen or so sincere efforts made in the past. It's also worth noting this was one of those times when The Crew were not entirely silent, inside or out. So much of these 5 entries sounds like Stephanie, it's almost eerie, especially with the occasional references to myself in the third person... because I can remember hunching over the computer pounding out these entries.

Just give it up. Fuck! I wish it was so easy. I am so sick of everything. Why the fuck didn't I just die? Why can't I throw it all away and die now? I hate living so much right now. I hate living!!!!!!!! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I hate living! God, I hate you more and more each day. When will this end?

I know it's up to me but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How do I let it go? How do I do this?

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!Marisa, you are without a doubt, the biggest piece of shit to ever walk this earth. What is your fucking problem? Why can't you stop being such a fuck?

Oh God, it just keeps getting worse and worse. I can't hold on anymore. If I don't find a way out, I don't now what's going to happen. Oh God, help me. I can't hold on anymore. Oh please make it stop. I am such a stupid fuck. I can't do anything right. There is no way out. Oh God, what do I do? God, help me please. Fuck! I can't do this anymore! I can't hold on. What am I supposed to do? God, I want to die. Oh, polease help me. Please, oh God, what do I do? What am I supposed to do? What will make it stop?