Thursday, March 31, 2011

Fall 1994 Entry 6

This entry was written a few days after firing Dr. M. J***** was my closest friend.

J***** said that I have to believe that I am a good enough reason to go through all this. I can't do it for the kids or Charlie or any other reason. If I am not doing it for myself, if I can't convince myself that am worthy of something better, I'll never achieve it. She's right.

The problem right now is that I can't see enough good in myself to believe it. Lord, I wish you would tell me why all of this had to happen. I know I will never have the answer but I want it anyway. Why couldn't I receive love and patience and care from the people I loved? Why couldn't I be protected? If what you say about me is true, then why can't I believe it? Is it as simple as making a choice to believe? I want to believe that I am worthy of your love, that I am worthy of joy. I can't get past my mistakes. I can't get past all the stupid stuff I do and all the problems I carry around.

Father, it hurts so much. I have been fighting it for so long. I punish myself for my mistakes by refusing to allow myself peace. I don't want to forgive myself for the things I do because I don't want to take responsibility for myself and my problems. I know I am making mistakes in the way I respond to just about everything but I want it to be excused and accepted because I don't know anything else. I want to be loved and accepted the way I am without having to change. That doesn't sound right. I mean I want to change, I just don't want to have to look at myself to do it. I don't know how to look at myself honestly without my hate for myself growing stronger. People tell me my life's circumstances are responsible for the way I see myself and my life but I was raised to believe it was my fault. Everything is always my fault. I don't know where to draw the line between what is mine to deal with and what isn't.

Every mistake I make is proof to me that what I was taught is true. Making mistakes makes you bad. Making mistakes is unforgivable. I can't let myself or anyone forgive me because I don't deserve it. If the world won't give me the hate I deserve, then I will.

God, oh Father, I don't want to look at myself. Please show me what I need to see. I have no one but you who can give me the answers I need. I know you can show me the truth. Please Lord, show me the truth. Show me the way out of this prison. Light a candle in the darkness. Please show me. Lord I need to see you in me. I need to find my way. Lord please show me the way.

I choose. What do I choose? I choose to believe you. I am worthy of your love. I deserve peace and joy. I don't have to hate myself. I don't have to punish myself. I don't have to hurt this way. But, oh God, I do hurt. I do hate. Show me how to love and let you love me.