Friday, April 8, 2011

February 1999, pt 4

Written February 1999, this is the first time The Wall (Later known as Control and finally Levia) communicated with anyone. She wrote this after showing up at Pat's house and grilling her, trying to decide out if stepping out of the way would be of more benefit than continuing to hold the others back. That conversation with Pat is the only time she ever spoke with anyone outside of  The Crew and, I think, Charlie. Whatever she did in "my world'"she did in silence.
The "others" she refers to were, we believe, spiritual rather than mental beings.

I find myself in what seems to be an odd situation. Never before have I questioned my role or responsibility. This has changed and I find myself asking "Who am I?" I suppose I have been aware of my existence always but that existence was defined by function only. I am not of flesh and blood. I am without spirit or emotion. I am a creation of her mind. I am a barrier intended to separate her world from another creation of her mind. In being that barrier I have protected her but now it seems that may not be true.
I protect her from the children she wishes to forget. Children who, like me, are not flesh and blood but emotion and memory. I keep them from her at her command because they prevent her from living the life she wants to live. Yet, if I understand correctly, the only way for her to live that life is if I cease to be the barrier.
Until the departure of Death, things were as the were. WIthout thought or question I did as I was there to do. Even as the others and then the children were recognized, I did as I was there to do. Even as the taunts and threats of the others caused chaos for her and for the children, I did as I was there to do. I prevented, at times with great difficulty and limited success, her life being disrupted by what is kept hidden in the children. Until the departure of Death, I saw only what I was supposed to see and knew only that which she wished me to know. With some regret, I know that has now changed.
Never before have I come forward to her world without circumstances requiring it. It was my duty to protect that drew me to speak with Pat, but it was an act of my own will which made it happen. My own will. If I can choose to come forward as I desire, can I also choose not to? Can I choose, of my own will, to no longer be the barrier I was created to be? In doing so, will I have abdicated my responsibility? Has my role changed that in order to protect her I must now allow the children their freedom to speak? If so, how did it change?
Why did it change?