Sunday, September 11, 2011

Couple of new triggers


Well not entirely new. One is an old one but it hit hard last night.

Went out to eat at a BBQ place and ate several plates of ribs. Since I’ve eaten an average of only one meal a day for most of the last few years, my stomach was not prepared. Went and purged halfway thru then went back and had more. Yeah, not very smart. To make matters worse I had to take Kristen to shop for pants and shorts.

Felt bad enough about weight, size, and height before last night. Shopping for Kristen and hoping to find something Reese and Stephanie were comfortable with was a nightmare. Almost collapsed in tears in the middle of Wal-Mart because it's practically impossible to find fairly stylish clothes that don't make me look like middle aged mom or wannabe teen, that also happen to be available in my size. Can’t seem to find a happy medium where everyone inside is happy with the clothes and being only 5'2" and in double digit sizes is more than some of us can stand.

Going to try to keep the whole issue of food at bay for now. We simply have enough to deal with... will probably have to face up to it sooner or later, but since we're maintaining and not purging more than every couple of months, I’m not in a rush.

The other trigger was this evening, but it has a big upside. Amelia was playing cards with the kids, there was an argument and some upset with the kids. Now, usually when this happens, Amelia will dash inside and come crying for me to go 'out'. This time she held in and even got mad (which floored my kids), refusing to play anymore. She told Rachel that she didn't like being treated like a baby by her. She told Charlie that it was no fun playing with them because they fight all the time.

The best part though, was that she stayed. Usually she will get frightened and run, because growing up, any conflict with anyone resulted in her taking the blame/punishment/responsibility. It didn't matter who it was or how much older and wiser the other person in the conflict... we'd get the blame. Right down to the blame when Randy ran away. He was 13, I was 6. For the first time we could remember, he got in trouble for tormenting us, and got so angry he ran away for 3 days. We were the easiest target for mum's anger and frustration. Didn’t help that the rest of the boys, Ben and Chris in particular, really nailed it home that it was our fault he was gone.

*sigh* the thing is, Amelia... my sweet little who doesn't like to get near the painful stuff... is talking about it. Last night at the restaurant, a fire truck passed. For the first time she talked about why she used to be so terrified of sirens. I suppose, now that she knows she is safe from being 'taken away' in an ambulance or police car, she could talk about where the belief came from. It was safe to 'tell' on our brothers because Charlie won't call her a bad girl or tattletale for it.

Surprise, surprise... Chris, Ben, Randy and Rod all went out of their way to tell us, starting around age 2 that because we were bad, they were coming to get us and take us away. (When Suzie wasn't shut in the bedroom she was threatened with being taken away! no wonder we kept splitting into new parts to deal with things.) Knowing all our lives that we were adopted and not 'real' family... what an effect that had! It’s no wonder we were known up and down the street for this fear. The sound of a siren would send us screaming and pounding on the nearest door. From what I’ve been told, often we just went in without knocking.

I’ve seen in my own kids how innocent and believing toddlers are. Those idiotic people who tell little kids “you are so cute! How about if I steal you and take you home with me?” That’s not a joke to a two year old and it's almost cruel the pleasure that people get from doing that.

So, chalk up a couple more memories dragged into the light and looked at. I’m proud of Amelia and understand better why she and Suzie are inseparable. She can put into words the things Suzie just can't yet.