Tuesday, September 6, 2011

found the steri-strips - 6/17/2002

thought D had played with them all. walmart didn't have them last nite. hid them when i organized the first aid stuff. thought it would make me feel better to have them but maybe not having them was my excuse for not cutting. i can't take it anymore.

the shit is hitting the fan.

amelia had a cow yesterday when she was playing with J. first time she's talked about the abuse in forever. can't believe she talked to C about it but i guess it's good cuz she knows that he's not gonna blame her or say the kinda shit mom used to say. she's scared tho cuz this stuff is getting triggered and she's scared as i am about having to actually talk about it. can't we just share the feelings and stuff with marisa and kinda deal with it that way? why do we all have to go thru this hell together?

i know what L or dr c wld say. we have to go back to it together so marisa can process it and so we can 'break the silence' and talk about all the shit that happened and so we can all merge.

god i'm so scared tho. i feel like i'll die if i have to do this. it doesn't matter if we were fucked and used when we were little. the stuff we did when marisa was a teen was stuff we chose to do. well, except for what josh did to us, but no matter what anyone says, we shoulda known what he'd do.

it's not like i'll do it or anything but god i wish i cld run away. just disappear somewhere and crumble and not have to care if anyone missed us. we can't and i won't. the kids and C mean too much. i really understand why marisa says he saved her life when he married her. i think we really would have died if he hadn't come along. and him and the kids. god, they really do love us. all of us as much as they can understand anyway.

i feel bad cuz K thinks i'm mad or something cuz i don't hang out with her anymore. how do i tell her that it's just so bad that if i try to hang out i'll wind up cutting and fucking everything up? least i can sorta hide right now.

the only safe time is when C is home. he's taking tomorrow off work too so he'll be here when we get done with L. so we'll prolly just take a tranxene and go to bed. or just go ahead and freak, i dunno.

none of this makes sense, but oh well.