Sunday, September 4, 2011

here's what you were looking for

6/15/2002



it was in the DSM group. a post answering a question asked a while back...
marisa
> What made you start to SI? and how did you get the 'idea' to do so -
> that is the idea to cut, or pick, or hit yourself etc?

that's a good question... we've been using SI for as long as any of us can remember so we're not sure how it first 'began'. as a little kid we'd bite or hair pull or hit as a way to stop crying. (crying for 'no reason' usually brought beatings so you'd have something to cry about) or as a form of self-punishment for when we felt worse than the beatings and berating could cover. around 12 tho, we started cutting. i think at the time, we were trying to get someone to recognize how bad we felt and how much we needed help. sort of a pseudo-suicidal thing. of course it didn't work but one nite after running from home we camped out on the roof of a building to hide from police. we were totally freaking and it was one of those nites when we could hear each other and KNEW but also knew noone would ever believe. there had been some head-banging against a brick wall before climbing to the roof and our hair was pretty matted with blood, but at that time head-banging was usually a reaction to the voices of everyone inside. reese picked up a piece of glass intending to see if
she could do any mortal damage. after several shots at a vein and realizing the glass wasn't sharp enough, we just started peeling skin off the left arm. that was the moment when it went from an attempt to get help to being the help. we sat there in the freezing cold mumbling the 'i'm a shit' mantra and just kept going until the glass was just too dull to do any more damage. the right hand was so cold and numb we almost couldn't put the glass down and the blood had more or less glued it to our skin. we had to scrape our hand across the tar paper on the roof to get the glass off.it was another year and a half before we stepped up from superficial cutting to needing the bloodloss as much as the cuts themselves.
sadly, that started because our scars in comparison to a girl we'd met in hospital were, to our mind, inadequate. somehow there was the thought that if we could cut like she did, leaving the huge red keloid scars, someone would see the seriousness of our situation and help. (duh) again, instead of bringing help it became the help and bloodletting became like a drug.we've been able to stop the cutting for even years at a time, but it
seems that in between there is always some other form of SI being used, so it's never really stopped.

take care,
marisa (who's never told about it this way and wonders if she should print it out for the t...)