amelia had a cow yesterday when she was playing with john. first time she's talked about the abuse in forever. can’t believe she talked to charlie about it but i guess it's good cuz she knows that he's not gonna blame her or say the kinda shit mom used to say. she’s scared though cuz this stuff is getting triggered and she's scared as i am about having to actually talk about it. can’t we just share the feelings and stuff with marisa and kinda deal with it that way? why do we all have to go thru this hell together?
i know what lyn or dr. c would say. we have to go back to it together so marisa can process it and so we can 'break the silence' and talk about all the shit that happened and so we can all merge.
i’m so scared though. i feel like i’ll die if i have to do this. it doesn't matter if we were fucked and used when we were little. the stuff we did when marisa was a teen was stuff we chose to do. well, except for what josh did to us, but no matter what anyone says, we shoulda known what he'd do.
it’s not like i’ll do it or anything but i wish i could run away. just disappear somewhere, crumble, and not have to care if anyone missed us. we can't and i won't. the kids and charlie mean too much. it's just so bad that if i try to do anything i’ll wind up cutting and fucking everything up? at least i can sorta hide right now.
the only safe time is when charlie is home. he’s taking tomorrow off work too so he'll be here when we get done with lyn. so we'll probably just take a tranxene and go to bed. or just go ahead and freak, i dunno.
none of this makes sense, but oh well.