Thursday, September 1, 2011

A Pint Of Yellow Paint

6/10/2002



just the perfect end to a perfectly stressful day... a pint of yellow interior paint spilled on the floor of the girls' bedroom as they *finally* begin cleaning it at 10:00 at night. bad enough to feel like the mother from hell for refusing to take a day at the beach if they refuse to do their chores. when did expecting to not trip over the ankle deep trash and clothes in a kids room become mean? i don't care if it's spotless and pristine. i just don't want 6 months worth of soda cans and candy wrappers littering a bedroom! on top of that a huge mess that is really my fault because when we were painting the pooh characters we didn't take the paint out when we were done. for crying out loud, I know better!

it doesn't help that my inside kids are crying foul because now *they* can't go to the beach either. i'm getting nailed with how unfair this is, inside and out! it's a no-brainer why we've let the kids get away with so much for so long. it's just plain HARD to keep the limits firm. it's HARD to explain to the littles why i make the choices i do as a parent. they don't understand why they can't have daily playtime because the 3D children tear up the house when mommy's not there. they know that if they get my littles out they can run the house til i'm back.
i love them so much and i feel like the crappiest mom for even complaining, but parenting ain't a walk in the park all the time. raising 5 kids is a hard enough job without also busting my @ss trying to sort thru my hellish past and put all the pieces back together.

speaking of which... sessions with l-- and dr. c have turned into long episodes of panic again. i know it's because of what we're dealing with and talking about but i hate being afraid to go to t. i hate not knowing who will be triggered or wondering if we'll stay safe when we get home.

when i made the decision to postpone the beach trip... it was as close to locking myself in the shower and cutting as i've been since january. that's about the worst part of all this right now. can't cut, for too many reasons to bother with but it's there every friggin minute. trying not to lose control and let out insiders we don't know because we've already seen that that usually winds up being dangerous to our health. the kids have all done so incredibly well dealing with my switching... i don't want to take a chance of someone coming out who would scare them or say something mean or just be bizarre. we put the days of kids finding me huddled in a closet, hiding and mumbling, behind us. they don't need to see that anymore. it's not fair or right for them to have to be affected by my multiplicity. something caused by the creulty and abuse of others shouldn't have to filter down to them. isn't that what breaking the cycle of abuse is about? i say 'no more. it stops here'. so why does my fight for health have to be something they see?

heckuva first entry... oh well. ranting is over. at least it's out of my system.

marisa of the Crew