Sunday, September 11, 2011



I so hate this time of month...

Never see it coming. Time is so elastic and unpredictable for me sometimes, actually trying to keep track of days just adds to the confusion.

About the only upside to this is that at least poor Charlie doesn't have to deal with us all in separate bodies PMS-ing at once. With three daughters, he already has that to look forward to in a couple of years. Poor guy.

Joking aside... being sick is a HUGE giant monster of a trigger. For at least 2 days (during the full moon even... double whammy) every month, I’m down for the count. I could let one of the other girls take the lead, but Stephanie is the last person you want around AND cranky. Reese already has me worried and since we already have a history of needing ER visits and stitches around this time; it's not a chance to take. I don't know what it is that triggers her either. It’s not something she'll talk about and I doubt I’ll figure it out without her.

Even without knowing just what the deal is, besides the obvious hormonal crap, I feel it. Tried upping the Zoloft during this time but because of the aforementioned time problems, it didn't help. Can’t curl up in bed for 2 days either since the house goes to hell in a hand basket if I take a nap.

Oh well... whatever is behind it, right now it's all I can do not to just curl in on myself and try to disappear. On top of that, promised myself that next week with Dr. C i won't talk for 45 minutes about the small stuff before tiptoeing into the area of the sexual abuse. It’s the same every time. By the time I get up the guts to approach it, it's too late to take a close look. I know that on some level, this is intentional but it's getting very frustrating. One of us, and it's best if it's me, needs to just jump in at the start of a session and go.

I hate switching in front of people. All of us are uncomfortable with it. One of my big concerns is getting deep enough into the feelings surrounding the memories that I’ll lose control and have somebody we don't know come out and abreact something I’m not prepared for. Even after 3 years of treatment since Levia (Control) stepped back and let the girls come forward again, it's still weird. Charlie and the kids are the only ones that we feel safe with in that respect. At home we're not sitting in the hot seat being watched by a professional being paid to listen.

Ack, I’m rambling now... sheesh. Well, let's see... switching sucks. PMS sucks. Triggers suck. Losing time sucks and while we're at it, the whole situation sucks. Feeling a major hormonal fit coming on over how wrong it is that any of this had to happen in the first place. Better go to bed before Charlie makes the mistake of looking at me wrong and getting his face chomped off.