Wednesday, February 29, 2012

and the downward slide picks up speed

08/09/2002

 well, the whole three musketeers experiment is proving to be, ummm, interesting to say the least. a little more difficult than we remember from the last time, for whatever reason. last time it was more of a natural slide into it because we'd almost accidentally found a way to have fun with it. this time it's been for a more serious purpose and maybe just the stress of trying to keep inner defenses up so we don't blow our cork is making it harder. throwing our talents together in some light hearted black comedy (is that an oxymoron?) was nothing more than a time filler.

***pause for a moment of mock screaming and hair pulling***

okie dokie... we know there is a fifteen year old lurking inside with a temper that rivals stephanie's earlier days. What kicked her into action originally seems to have been feeling trapped. what brought her out last year and what has her coming out now is what's uncertain, and as usual, samantha seems to be letting us figure this out for ourselves.

so let's play the free association game... or an unreasonable facsimile... sooooo, trapped. when or where have we felt trapped? well, home with mum and dad qualifies. there was a definite sense of being trapped when dad played his little game to ensure we went to NC last month. we cut that morning to try and help keep together before we left. we didn't feel trapped while there tho we felt uneasy about being in any place where family had any control. we've felt trapped this summer. as much as those kids are loved, 24/7 except for t appointments gets very very draining after 3 months. we haven't had any real break. kris is good with the kids but anytime we leave her in charge, there's always the concern that the younger ones will overload her because they know they can. so we're always on guard unless there is an outside (the family) sitter. reese was feeling trapped. trapped and ignored. trapped like, what? stuck in a rut or really trapped like with no way out? no way out of what? and what would trigger the violent 'if i'm going down i'm going in flames' behavior of this one.

the cutting started again, in part, from feeling disconnected from friends, family... pigeon-holed into certain roles. online we had been the supportive friend who always had an encouraging word, but never any need. even trying to break free from that role only isolated us further. at church we're the incredibly gifted singer who happens to be screwed up in a way no one can understand and since we went thru a fairly anti-social time about 3 years ago, no one seems to have seen how far we've come, only that we once pushed them away. so we've become untouchable. people would only speak to us at church if we'd performed a song that morning. it was too much an echo of the performance based acceptance we tried so hard to receive growing up. that not quite reachable place of being good enough. and dammit, we were mad. mad at being invisible unless we stood on a stage. tired of people looking thru us and not even seeing the person standing in front of them. not very different from working as KCL, where people made up a person in their mind to go with that voice on the air and they would never quite see YOU, but that imaginary person who visited via radio. trapped in the control room of that station giving more than we could afford to give for a man who just happened to be my ideal father figure. a controlling prick with an angry repressed wife who was only happy when people did exactly as he liked without question. oh don't even get me started on bro. carl. that was during the years when the girls were still behind the wall and it got LONELY dealing with all that crap alone. people still ask when we'll go back on the air and it's been more than 5 years! we are not that person, no matter how much we loved it or how good at it we might be, we can't ever go back to that pseudo-celebrity thing. it is hard enough to stay real when you don't know who you are, let alone trying to be real when total strangers have their own ideas of who you are that they try to project onto you. it's better to remain in the shadows tho we never have.

is this even getting anywhere? two memories rolling around that don't quite seem to fit, but we were definitely trapped. locked out or locked in, it didn't matter. we were stuck in a hell we helped make and saw no way to escape...

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