Monday, February 6, 2012

concentration is for shit

i want to write soooo bad. i know what's in my heart but can't put it into words. can't get it from my head to my hands. so much stuff is happening in here and it scares me. i remember how marisa used to just freak about letting us 'out'. that's kinda houw i feel. i know these other parts need to talk but it scares the shit out of me. it's like they're all stuck in the hospitals and stuff and the more we try to bring up the stuff that happened back then the closer they get and i remember how hard it was to get like oriented or used to it being years later than i remembered. *sigh* i don't know. don't think i can make any sense. i do know the rush of cutting is hard to ignore right now. it would just be easier if we could fall apart and lust lose it altogether. maybe i wouldn't want so bad to cut if i could just yell and scream and have a real tantrum and get all the hurt and everything out that way.

not even making any sense. everything i've written just looks stupid to me. i already feel worthless. i don't want to feel it like we did then. i don't want to remember what it feels like to know you are a mistake and unwanted and a burden. i don't want to remember how much it hurt knowing i would never be enough. if i let myself remember it. the lonliness. i'll get trapped in it and will forget everything else. i'm scared.