can't believe i left my tie off in the shower. C found it and asked about it last night. he knows i cut even tho marisa couldn't actaully say it. she just tried to explain about the memories we've had. maybe if i show him what stephanie wrote in the other OD he'd understand how hard it is right now. dunno tho. he didn't seem mad, just disappointed and worried. that's why we tried to hide it. he gets sad and i feel like hammered horse shit for upsetting him. it's worse disappointing someone than making them mad at you.
all i want to do is hide but i know i gotta talk to him. he needs ME to tell him what's wrong. well, he doesn't need it, we do. he deserves it tho. for me to be honest and not try to hide this from him.
we've tried to tell him how hard the last weeks have been but i don't think he wanted to see it had gotten that bad. or maybe we were downplaying it so he wouldn't worry. i don't know. i just feel so f*cked up and ashamed and wish i could just disappear.