Friday, February 24, 2012

Killing Time


7/31/2002

Need to get kids registered this morning but don't need to leave for another hour or so. Trying to fill up enough time that I only have time for a quick shower. Someone was actually up and around last night and would have cut if there were an opportunity. Definitely going to talk to Dr C about that today.

Sometimes drives me nuts when things on the outside can be going so well but things on the inside are crumbling. I do understand it. The Crew needs to be able to express themselves and be heard. It’s better that the falling apart happen when things in life are going well. We’ve had more than enough times when things were going badly and we were falling apart. That is not a good situation.

It seems that the sleeping children are threatened by Laura being out and communicating. Don’t think it's so much that they are afraid of the secrets she may tell, but more that if she could be drawn out, so can they. They’ve lived so long hidden in the shadows, that's all they know. I certainly know how it feels to know where you are is a bad place but it's familiar, which can translate to safer. I can remember Stephanie telling someone once that it was better to tell everyone to fuck off and not let anyone get close rather than to take the chance and get fucked anyway. I think that's how it is with the sleeping children. It’s better to stay hidden in the dark rather than take a chance of coming out and have worse things happen. We’re hoping that between Laura and the other girls, that we can show a safe enough environment for them to feel they can come forward.

I do know that the one wanting to cut is one of those still hiding in the shadows. I’m assuming she is split from Stephanie, and has a rage I haven't seen or felt in a long time. The hard part about it is that she's a cutter like Reese but has this uncontrollable rage like Stephanie once had. The combination is bad because this alter is seeking to intentionally 'punish' us for drawing the sleeping children out. This is not something we need with the physical state we're in right now. I hate to think we might need to take a few days in the hospital to remain safe. I’ll go if necessary but, I hope we don't have to. There is not one place in this state able to deal with DID and the one hospital our ins. approves of is just awful. They are simply not equipped to handle anything but babysitting people with clinical depression.

Well, I have passed enough time to be safe. Better go before the crowd of parents and kids gets so big we wind up waiting forever.

Marisa