Monday, February 27, 2012

Lost in frenzied frustration

08/05/2002

it's frustrating having so many thoughts flying around just beyond your grasp. there are so many things going on inside at one time it's sometimes amazing anything gets done on the outside. then there are the times of so much going on outside that the inside gets lost in the frenzy of activity. somewhere there has to be a balance, but at the moment, that too seems just beyond our grasp.

lyn finally confronted us about not having the iron and crit levels checked. yes, it needs to be done but no one was volunteering. so we've now promised to call dr. l and go in for blood work. well, if we can squelch the aprehension long enough to actually go. dr. l promised that if we needed transfusing again she'd set it up to be done outpatient, but the two times before, the levels were so low that it took 18 hours or more to get the levels up enough. so there is a strong possibility of having to be inpatient anyway and that thought alone is enough to keep us from finding out. *mumble*groan*sigh* the most frustrating part of all this is having such an understanding of the need to take care of ourself physically while at the same time having to battle to do so. it's so much easier to continue destroying our body in an effort to stem the tide of pain still locked inside.

will we ever reach the end of the memories and emotions? will there ever be a time when there will be no more to uncover and we can become me? the answer, of course, is yes. it is just so hard to see at times when it seems so far off.

we've come SO unbelievably far in 3 1/2 years. so very far from the co-dependant, self-desructive, living from crisis to crisis hell we were in. still, even looking back to the beginning of this journey to find all of us inside, the end of that road still seems so far.

God and i had a talk today. i told him we'd keep going and fighting and trying to balance the battle to heal with the life of wife and family... all He has to do is let us/me sleep the first thousand years in heaven, 'cuz we're sure not going to get enough here.

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