Thursday, February 2, 2012

sometimes it's almost too hard




07/01/2002
rough rough session with Lyn. just want to curl up in bed and stay. showed her the recent writings from The Other Diary and we talked about those things and about reaching that part of amelia that split then. i knew that in getting into this area of the abuse. we'd trigger the silent ones and bring them out. the idea is utterly terrifying.

it's hard work, putting the past to rest. it's hard putting things in such detail, from all perspectives the way we are in The Other Diary. it's necessary and i know we need to take it slow so that it doesn't become dangerously overwhelming, but even a little feels too much.

going to try to keep busy today so that there won't be energy enough for my mind to wander to places i don't need to go right now.

on the cartoon doll front, my personal computer guy showed me how to get all the bits and pieces that are freely available without copyright issues. then he showed me how to get them to paintshop pro and custom do our own unique dolls. even learned how to change existing hairstyles. so now we have a doll for me and each of my daughters as well as one for reese, stephanie, and amelia.

i like the idea of being able to do this because it will bring them alive in the pages of our scrapbook. i want so much to have 'pictures' of each of my girls. especially the ones who have joined and merged with the rest of the system. i will make the occasional pang of missing them (i know, they haven't really gone) a little easier to bear.

waiting on my dad to call from NC. need to talk to Charlie about whether or not we can take a couple of days to go join the family up there. for all the problems and memories being triggered, i love them and they love us. it's been too long since we've seen them all.

maybe i can lay down for a bit while we wait.

marisa