Sunday, February 5, 2012

things i've learned from my children

07/11/2002
this list has found our mailbox dozens of times in the last 9 years... last year my hubby, our oldest daughter, and i started adding to the original with our own bits of knowledge. only about half this list is the one that gets passed around on the net. the rest is ours...

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

-There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
-If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
-A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
-If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
-It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
-Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
-You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
-When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
-A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
-The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
-When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
-Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
-A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
-A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
-If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
-A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
-Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
-Duplos will not.
-Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
-Ditto Fimo.
-Super glue is forever.
-McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
-Ditto Tarzan.
-No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
-Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
-VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
-Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
-Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
-Marbles in garbage disposals also make lots of noise.
-You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
-Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
-Plastic toys do not like ovens.
-Neither do stuffed ones.
-The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time.
-The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
-Earthworms do not travel well in the front pocket of a 2 year old's overalls.
-It will however make cats dizzy.
-Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
-Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
-A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
-If it can be flushed, it will.
-Even if it can’t be flushed, it will.
-A $.90 wax seal is far cheaper than a plumber’s visit.
-Large hair clips make great monster teeth.
-Large hair clips can get stuck in the mouth of a toddler.
-You can’t run a CD thru a printer.
-Bear hugging cats can lead to violence and the immediate need for first aid.
-You can never hug an Eeyore too hard or too much.
-Siamese fighting fish bite.
-Fish prefer not to be petted.
-A little boy and a hamster in a play ball should never be left alone for a second.
-A hamster in a play ball cannot run as fast as a little boy can roll it.
-Fish don’t like to be stirred.
-You can make a swing by tying rope to the top rails of a metal bunk bed, but it's not a good idea.
-To a 3-year-old with scissors, everything looks like paper (or hair for that matter).
-Barbie doll heads can show up in the strangest of places.
-He/she will repeat that word you didn’t think the child heard to the cashier at the grocery store.
-Wearing a Super Man cape does not give to ability to fly.
-It can however keep you from seeing the tree you are running into.
-Shaving a cat down the middle of its back is not considered giving it a racing stripe even though the cat suddenly runs faster.
-Just because the dog is big enough to ride doesn’t mean you should.
-A 4 year old, hot wheels and imagination can make fire shoot from your feet.
-A 7 year old and a lighter needs an immediate call to the fire department.