Friday, February 3, 2012

update on my psycho life


07/01/2002
well, thanks to my Dr. C calling in an emergency presription and my kinght in shining armor in computer geek clothes, disaster was narrowly averted.
i went to pick up the scrip leaving Charlie here to explain to dad that there was no way i could drop everything and make all the arrangements needed to go with him. sooo, dad asked if the kids wanted to go. now of course they do! they were packed and ready. i was the one shitting bricks over all this.

it's weird. i totally and completely trust these people to take care of my kids over night but would rather have my fingernails pulled out with pliers than be alone with them.

i know why. for one thing, like bill cosby once said, these are not the people i grew up with. these are old people trying to get into heaven now. they really are different people. it's hard sometimes to look at them and see who they were all those years ago. but then, something like today comes up and i realize that for all the growing and healing in my life, there is still a boatload of unfinished business there. there is still that terror of defying dad's wishes. there is still that fear of his anger, tho honestly i haven't seen him in a rage in 15 years or so... the heart attack mellowed him quite a bit, as did lowering his alcohol intake to something relatively normal.

after dad left with the kids (i wonder if he has the first clue what he's gotten himself into? hehehehe just payback for what he put us thru today) and i could breathe again... i snuggled next to C and just let myself breathe, i need to trust him more to help me when i can't stand up to my dad. i need to trust that he does know better than i do sometimes, what's best.

anyway, amelia came out and started nuzzling his shoulder and announced that he was her daddy and that the other guy wasn't her daddy anymore and she was glad she didn't have to go with him. she also told him he 'smelled safe'. hehehe but the real depth was in when she told him that now she and suzie don't have to hide. God what a powerful statement. in hindsight, that is probably the biggest reason for our panic. in order to have survived 24 hours with my parents, the girls would have had to lock themselves away for emotional protection, and when i get around my parents i switch to compliant daughter mode and go on auto-pilot. that combination of things would have left me ready to slit my throat by the time we came home.

i don't advertise in the 3Dworld, that i am many, but dammit, this is who i am and my girls, these parts of who i am should not have to hide themselves for fear of anyone! that's one of the biggest reasons we stopped attending church services. my faith hasn't changed but because my girls are not 'welcomed' by those who know of the DID, i can't feel right in going.

with Charlie by my side, the girls know they are protected and safe. sometimes i feel like a wimp for needing that protection, but then the justified necessary protection that children need was not there for me. my girls need that to heal. that's part of the process.

the house is so quiet with the kids gone. it's hard not to feel a vengful glee in knowing that the noise missing from the house is all in a van with my dad for a 3 hour ride.

Dr. C finally answered my pages and messages after we left a fairly confusing panicky message. he patted stephanie on the back for not telling my dad to take a flying fuck, which while it would have felt good, was not the way to deal with it. he also confirmed that yeah, he's self-absorbed and high-handed, but also too clueless and old to change. part of healing for me will be in learning to be at peace with who he is and learning to accept his weird attepts at showing love, and accept them at face value. for all his crass and stubborn ways of doing things, the fact is, he is trying. he did what he did thinking he was making it easier for his daughter to have what would make her happy.

4 straight hours of full on panic have left me exausted. probably don't need one but will take a restoril so we're certain to sleep. this was not what we needed to top off such a difficult t day.

my butt's dragging so bad it's leaving tracks.

do you ever feel like your brain is just oozing out your ears?