Friday, March 2, 2012

rolling even faster now

8/10/2002

the memories... they have crept into the dreams and come crashing into conscious thought and slapped us in the face when we hope for a quiet moment.

rick's wedding, probably the biggest rejection of our life beyond what the birth mother did. that summer led to a plunge into a hell that we dared not even hope to escape. for 8 months we stayed trapped in that desperation, until a friend named charlie shone a little light into the dark.

from the day mum told us not only were i was not singing in my eldest brother's wedding as had been planned for over a year, but wasn't even making the trip with the rest of the family. to quote her "You ruin everything and i will not have you ruin three weeks in california and your brother's wedding with your presence."

to the day mum finally washed her hands of me and left me to wait in a room with a county counselor who had 3 years before, told her i was simply spoiled and needed a stricter environment.

we were trapped. the most frustrating and terrifying trap imaginable. we couldn't die. we could hang and the rope would break. sit in traffic and get missed, find ourself on a 14th street in DC and walk without harm for 6 blocks. stay with a pimp who never touched us. pills had no effect. 3 times in 7 months the parents were told their daughter would not make it through the night, only to be up and around without any lasting effect the following morning. couldn't drink ourself numb enough or take a drug that could ease the slightest bit of the pain. no blade could cut deep enough. having finally reached a place of such desperation we could not face another day. the place of knowing with every fiber of your being that death is the ONLY option, we still couldn't reach what we believed we needed. that one final hope was beyond our grasp.

we're not there now. thank god, we never will be again, but it's still inside. that anguish of having nothing and nowhere, nor even a glimmer of hope for the future, is still trapped. unaware of the incredible journey that has brought us where we are now. unaware of the joy and hope that fills our days. unaware of the healing of old hurts. unaware of the unimaginable love we have to give and have received. aware only of that hell and the drive to end it. how to reach her when there seems so much to fear in her. she has to be released somehow, but not in death. not her way.

we can feel you. your pain and your rage. the trap you see is no longer real. help us find the door to bring you into now so that we can know you and you can know the hope we've fought so hard to find.