Wednesday, July 4, 2012

blah...

8/13/2002



want to write. need to write. so much flying around nonstop but with the three of us together right now, it's as if the collective attention span has been reduced to that of a flea. if the tv is on or a cd is playing or someone in the house is frickin breathing, we can't concentrate long enough to get anything coherant into words.

on the other hand. *grins* we've done a bunch of shrinky dinks. including a few with black background and white lettering and the smartass comments that are on the t-shirts in hot topic and gadzooks. have decided to make one for the doc that says 'you're just jealous because the voices don't talk to you'. he'll love it. he's such a clutter junkie... all the little things the lils have given him over the last couple of years are proudly displayed on a huge desk that, if you could see the top of it, might be wood. he's a cool guy.

we also went back to the creek in tall pines. all 5 kids and us went sunday afternoon and spent 2 hrs and collected well over 100 shark teeth as well as various other small fossils and petrified wood. it's a cool place to go and we (that includes the boys) needed to go back before fear from the other day had a chance to set up permanent residence. it wound up being a ton of fun and we (the crew that is) were able to enjoy ourself despite someone's fear we'd be bitten in the ass if we didn't look over our shoulder every 3 seconds. so we've gotten out the wire and stuff and taught the 3D kids how to wrap the teeth and make them into pendants. amelia only collected another 10 lbs of unusual and pretty rocks. we're going to have to just schedule a day when she can start painting them. we've got to do something before the bedroom closet begins to look like a rock garden.

one of the dreams last night was actually about an appt with dr. c. he knows how important personal faith is to us and in the dream we were talking about wanting to go back to church but not having the energy to deal with the bullshit. the big drawback to living with mental illness is that often it comes with an incredible bullshit detector and a low tolerance. the people at church aren't any different from anyone else, but because we see them (or did) so often, the quirks and neurosis that everyone has, are more easily seen in them. well, being the type of people we are, it's hard not to point out to people where are their weaknesses and sore spots are when they are busy trying to tell you how to live. (this is stephanie's edited take on it). 

so in the dream, we're talking to dr. c about it and he (think it was him) said it is all well and good to have some distance from the people who trigger you but that in the process you must guard against shutting everyone out of your life.
now this was a dream, but damn! talk about more truth than you can handle. ouch. didn't want to hear that, awake or asleep. someone inside is well aware of the fact that for all the desire to start going again (if for no other reason than the music) we're terrified. we know that nothing has changed there and likely will not, because people are people. it's ridiculous to expect people to live according to your personal standards when you know those 'standards' are borne of dysfunction. so instead of learning how to let it roll off as we work to heal the things in our own life that cause the triggers, we make excuses and don't do what we need to. in the process we have shut everyone (in this state anyway) out of our life.

today, we forced ourself to call someone we haven't talked to in 3 months. she's a good friend. also a mother of 5 kids (hers are older) she has been a true friend in the 6 years we've known her and it was wonderful to talk to her. contrary to what capt. paranoia likes to tell me, she (and others) are not assuming we've left the church or are 'back-slidden'. she's just concerned. it was nice to catch up with her.

maybe what we need to do is start actually talking to people on the phone and visiting them... take it slowly, but start easing them back into our life before we jump back into the crowd that so terrifies us at church.

it's not the church thoough. it's not even the people and we know this. it's us. we either feel exposed and freakish or ignored because of our freakishness. those are OUR feelings and we just project them onto others assuming they see us that way.

ugh, ok. enough for tonight. too tired to see straight.

but, if you hear this incredibly loud *POP* at some point this week, don't worry, it's just the sound of our head coming out of our ass.