Wednesday, December 12, 2012

sometimes it's not worth going to sleep



8/17/2002



Last night was the worst, most intense SI(Self-injury) dream in years. I mean, since the hospital days.

Stephanie and Reese sort of have the morning off. This am when we woke up things were so intense and Stephanie so triggered, it's not worth trying to stick together today. Too many things to go wrong if we blow. Today is Kris's birthday and even though she's hardly going to be home for it I don't want her having to see me falling to pieces. It's bad enough she has to wait until this evening for gifts since the paycheck is still not showing in the account.

The good news is that TMI, Charlie's company, got the contract to fully (and I mean technojunkie dream) automate a 10,000 sq ft house on Kiawah Island. if the customer is pleased, the builder said they'll get contracts to do all the houses he's building out there. Plus Charlie's been asked to extend his contract with Mearsk (big shipping co) to 3 years and they have okayed an 18% raise spread over the length of the contract. And he'll be getting paid on the first instead of the 15th starting in november. All that is a big load off but means we'll see less of Charlie until they get enough TMI people trained to do the work.

I'm trying my best not to write about this dream. It's not a want but a need so I'll push myself to get this done. Just thinking about it is damn near overwhelming tho and so I'm splitting the writing with playing super collapse and keep jumping between windows...

I know I can do this without straying too far from the subject. It connects with so many things tho, it's going to be hard.
First the dream... we were at some function with the people from this area that we know. Like a wedding reception or something. It was being held like at one of the historical plantations around here and whoever was hosting it had also rented some cabins.

We were at this reception thingy when Pastor R's family showed up. Randall and Renee with their perfectly happy, blissfully ingnorant smiles firmly screwed into place. Randall came over and (this was a big issue with us years ago) came up from behind to wrap and arm around our shoulder. Stephanie immediately told him, to his ever smiling, *we love you anyway* face to fuck off.
 
None of this actually fits with anything that happened with these people. I think they were convenient because that particular betrayal is still so fresh and recent.

Anyway, it was like he and or Renee were following us, knowing how upsetting and triggering it was, and keeping their patronizing smiles in place every second. He would hug us and we'd push him away and curse. All the other people could see what was going on but it was as if, the didn't *see* what was really going on. No, different than that, it was as if there were a concerted effort to not acknowledge our distress, but rather to pretend in the face of such ovbious problems, that everything was okay. (okay, so the Parrishes were good at that as far as their own personal problems, but that's really more something my family was big on.) The whole elephant in the livingroom analogy. Everyone sees it but tries to continue on as if there isn't a massive 2 ton obstacle staring them in the face.

At one point in the dream, we bolted from the crowd and went to one of the cabins. More of a chalet really. We walked in and punched out the glass in a china cabinet, then punched out windows that lined a hallway. When we got to a bedroom we shut the door and looked at the hand. There were only tiny scratches. So we walked to the hall and grabbed a big piece of glass. Going back to the bedroom we just dug the glass into the arm, trying with all our might to slice from elbow to wrist. Randall came in and with his smile still glowing said we should just start keeping out blades with us because the scratches we were getting with the glass (in the dream, the cuts were deep and freely flowing. God, it felt SO good!) were nothing. If we so desperately needed to make a grand show of cutting (in a bedroom, alone?) we should at least make it a good show.

The next thing I know, we're being admitted to a hospital. The rest of the dream was about finding ways to SI without getting caught. That and wishing to find the Parrishes and rip off their faces.

Just a little disturbing, eh? What scares me the most is that the feeling of tearing at flesh in the dream created a feeling of need and a remembrance of way back when cutting felt good like the remembrance of how good a high feels when you're trying to break free of a drug.

There's more to this, though that's about it for the dream. I need a break. Under the covers time again.