Tuesday, December 31, 2013

R.I.P dear vaccum cleaner


would it be mean to tease my daughters that their room finally shoved the vaccum cleaner into oblivion???

they'd probably find it funny and the thing has been on it's last spin brush with one wheel in the dump for a couple of months. oh well, guess that means it's time to stop stirring the dust for now.

as usual, samantha has waited for us to figure out quite a bit before adding any new information on her own (she reminds me of the teacher who tells you to 'look it up' everytime you ask a question). what we've confirmed is that the teenage girls are from the time between ending 8th grade and the beginning of the summer of the next year.

in that time we ran away a dozen times, got hospitalized 3 times and made emergency room visits on average, once a month or so. here's where things get a little confusing for me. all the girls who have started making themselves known are connected. almost like a 6 degrees of seperation (funny comparison) thing. one girl is split from another but connected to still others by either events or emotion. not surprising really. i've had an image of a tapestry, with each of the girls connected and the events all interwoven before.

i feel like i'm trying to untangle this huge thing that's been coming unraveled for years. no wonder i feel so utterly screwed right now.

lyn keeps trying to remind me that the writing is hard work and reason enough to feel so tired lately. i'm beginning to believe her. feel like we've run a marathon just today.


taking a breather


literally. allergies are on the attack.

been in becca and rachel's room for an hour, pulling stuff out from under beds and behind shelves, etc. all the animals love their room and that combined with their almost pathological inability to throw anything (including soda cans and candy wrappers) away means a heck of a collection of fur and dust. they *cleaned* last week, meaning they cleared the floor and made it halfway presentable.

have to fight not to grumble constantly about it because i can remember the same kind of mess when nora, zac and i shared a room.

charlie tried to talk to the girls whose emotions are spilling over. the one who has been rocking didn't speak out loud but i could clearly hear her mumbling that she should be dead. :( we now know the time period these girls come from and why it is stacy has almost shut down. stacy was the one with the broken foot when we were 9. long story but fits with the rest because it was one of those times when the real physical pain was called a lie and we had no choice but to silently live with it.

the right knee started going in our freshman year. had quit gymnastics by that time and up and down the stairs in a 3 story high school was too much on the right knee. it started hurting this week when kristen mentioned that her knee is giving out on her when climbing stairs at school. that's one body memory triggered. well, two, because the right foot is hurting where the old break was. beginning to think the toe on that foot we've fractured twice this summer isn't just a coincidence.

on to body memory 3... hurt our back the first time that same year. again, mum's words were that we were being melodramatic and the pain was not near as bad as we indicated. she even yelled at me for walking hunched over and insisted we walk normally no matter what. i can remember actually dissociating the pain. it's no wonder reese feels no pain most of the time. all this happened the same year we were hospitilized the first time. which may also explain the arthritic symptoms in both hands. it was in hospital where we learned how to repeatedly slam our fists until the hand broke. so right now, i'm just one big ache and it's frustrating as hell to think it's *all in my head* when it's so real. it is real tho. it's what was there then but not acknowledged and recognized.


need to take a break from this now. still seems like useless babbling, but am certain it will make some sense to lyn and dr. c when i read it to them. at least it's out of the head and in print.