Tuesday, December 31, 2013

taking a breather


literally. allergies are on the attack.

been in becca and rachel's room for an hour, pulling stuff out from under beds and behind shelves, etc. all the animals love their room and that combined with their almost pathological inability to throw anything (including soda cans and candy wrappers) away means a heck of a collection of fur and dust. they *cleaned* last week, meaning they cleared the floor and made it halfway presentable.

have to fight not to grumble constantly about it because i can remember the same kind of mess when nora, zac and i shared a room.

charlie tried to talk to the girls whose emotions are spilling over. the one who has been rocking didn't speak out loud but i could clearly hear her mumbling that she should be dead. :( we now know the time period these girls come from and why it is stacy has almost shut down. stacy was the one with the broken foot when we were 9. long story but fits with the rest because it was one of those times when the real physical pain was called a lie and we had no choice but to silently live with it.

the right knee started going in our freshman year. had quit gymnastics by that time and up and down the stairs in a 3 story high school was too much on the right knee. it started hurting this week when kristen mentioned that her knee is giving out on her when climbing stairs at school. that's one body memory triggered. well, two, because the right foot is hurting where the old break was. beginning to think the toe on that foot we've fractured twice this summer isn't just a coincidence.

on to body memory 3... hurt our back the first time that same year. again, mum's words were that we were being melodramatic and the pain was not near as bad as we indicated. she even yelled at me for walking hunched over and insisted we walk normally no matter what. i can remember actually dissociating the pain. it's no wonder reese feels no pain most of the time. all this happened the same year we were hospitilized the first time. which may also explain the arthritic symptoms in both hands. it was in hospital where we learned how to repeatedly slam our fists until the hand broke. so right now, i'm just one big ache and it's frustrating as hell to think it's *all in my head* when it's so real. it is real tho. it's what was there then but not acknowledged and recognized.


need to take a break from this now. still seems like useless babbling, but am certain it will make some sense to lyn and dr. c when i read it to them. at least it's out of the head and in print.