Sunday, January 19, 2014

anything worth doing...

9/2/2002

is worth doing poorly...at first.

heard a man speaking this afternoon on the radio about perseverance. he'd had polio at 18 and lost most of the use of his body but can play guitar, has a pilot's license and does several other things few believed he could. the above statement is one of his favorites.

just kinda struck me. being the perfectionist sort that we are, there have been many times when we gave up on something we couldn't do well right off the bat. was well into my 20's before i really learned to stick with things. even now, though it can be hard and frustrating.

just really, really like the idea of if it's worth doing, it's worth the time to keep going even if you suck at first.

it's easy enough to apply to *doing* things that take craftsmanship or skill. what struck me today was how much harder it can be to apply to other areas of skill... like oh, say... social skills, for example. not sure what else to call it but every time we find ourselves in an uncomfortable social situation (almost all of them) instead of trying again (remember facing our fears about the snake a few weeks ago? Crew??? hope you're reading...) we run and hide.

have forced myself to talk to people we've avoided. smile and chat if we run into someone we know while away from home. every time though, i pick apart every look, moment of silence, word spoken or not and fuel the fears we have, making it harder to try again. i'm the queen of second guessing myself.

the guy we were listening to (dan miller, i think?) also said that people can put us down... that's when we should turn around and put ourselves up. i laughed because it sounded so stupid... but isn't that what affirming yourself is about?

experience, or a person can say i'm ugly. i can beat myself up with it or i can look in the mirror and see that i have big hazel eyes that change color depending in who's out, from almost emerald green to deep golden brown. when i smile it lights up the eyes and is, if i try to be objective, quite pretty. i've got thick, naturally curly hair and for all the struggling we have with it. it is also very pretty. at least it is when we see hair like it on anyone else. why not say the same for us?

this all fits with some of what lyn and i spoke about today. she drew out the assignment for us. it's more involved than just lists. it's really a chart of sorts. there is also a method for countering the negative and charting how *true* it feels. the neat part about this is it is a method lyn has developed and we have helped her do so. just a tiny bit, but hey... it's still there.

we stopped her one day while trying to rate the level of *truth* a particular statement had and reminded her that head knowledge and heart knowledge are two very different things. because of that, she's added a bit to the chart so that you can separate the two and recognize that it is entirely possible to know something intellectually, but not emotionally. since head knowledge means nothing when it comes to emotions, making the distinction is important.

i know in my head that none of the negative statements we listed last night are true (except for the one about being fat). 5'2" and a size 12 is unacceptable no matter how many kids we've had or how old we are. can't seem to be okay with it.

but even knowing we're loved, wanted, valued, etc... isn't enough to get the *feeling* planted emotionally. i may know i'm worthy and still feel like a piece of crap.

so today, we'll try to put ourselves up... try to make a dent in the years of crap we were spoon fed about who we are.