Sunday, January 12, 2014

back to the bitterness

8/29/2002

pastor b called a few minutes ago. just wanted to let us know he misses us and loves us. he's such a sweet guy, he really is. talking to him made me realize how angry i still am with miss l, his wife. yet another reminder of how stubborn and self-righteous i can be when i know i'm right. this is something stephanie and i need to come together on and deal with. there's absolutely nothing to be gained from holding a grudge against her. she did nothing that wasn't human. she's no more or less accountable for her actions, just because she's a pastor's wife. if i'd jumped hot over perceived criticism (which we did) i'd hope it wouldn't be held against me. the idea that she 'should've known better' is ridiculous.

we have a real pet peeve with the whole 'trying to take a splinter from one person's eye while ignoring the plank in your own' thing. of course, for us to bitch about what she said and did is no different from her jumping hot and pointing fingers at us. we're in no place to *judge* but there's this knee-jerk reaction to ANYone in authority who takes an 'i'm right-you're wrong' approach to us. grew up with that and won't take it from anyone else.

mom was big on reminding me that simply because she had the authority, my thoughts/feelings/opinions had no value whatsoever.

*this is for you Lyn* negative message: you don't count. you have no value. you are powerless. because you are troubled/mentally ill/defective/insert choice of accusation here, you can't have an accurate view of things, therefore your viewpoint is invalid. also, 'because you are the one with the problem, your hurts and wrong thinking are all your fault'. mum used to remind me that since *I* was the one with the problems, *I* was the only one who had to change. she was perfect just as she was.

that then starts the snowball rolling, triggering everyone along the way with, you do everything wrong. you're a liar. you're just doing this for attention. you're melodramatic. you're bad. you're stupid. you're crazy. you can't do anything right. nothing you do is good. you're the mean/cruel one. look at what you do to the people around you. blah blah blah...


well, when something echoes that, it is followed by our immediate response of 'fuck you and the horse you rode in on', put in more socially acceptable terms depending on the situation. and 'you're so screwed yourself, you wouldn't know the truth if it jumped up and bit you on the ass.' for some reason, that never seems to help things any.

of course, when it seems we are being belittled or accused, i tend to lose control to stephanie pretty quickly. we share the ability to see thru defenses and behaviors to what lies beneath, and stephanie has a gift for being able to very precisely find someone's strongest hot button, and push it. when we feel attacked she can look that person in the eye and without mincing words, dissect their hidden wounds or weakness and hold it up for all to see. not something that endears us to people in authority. no wonder that at 33, i still hear the word 'rebellious' used to describe us. we're pretty quick to lash out when we feel threatened emotionally. especially in any situation where we feel we are being told our hurt is our own fault. we are learning to control that impulse but we're still working on finding better ways to express ourself rather than just hold it in. as we mentioned in a previous entry, bitterness isn't the way to go. the only one it's hurting is the Crew.

we didn't dissect miss l to her face. but because we can see where her behavior was a knee-jerk reaction to her own sensitivities it's easier to tell ourself that we have a right to be angry because look at what she did. it's also led to actively looking for things to hold against her. it's not exactly intentional but it happens. as soon as someone offends us in that manner, we start keeping a scorecard of their poor responses and defenses as a way to justify staying pissed.

to be cont.