Monday, January 20, 2014

back to the saga...


really felt like my heart was in a vise at the word 'police' but immediately, this wonderful blending of strengths kicked in. the last time that happened was way back in october of last year.

looked her in the eye and informed her i was talking to mama. she had approved our coming over beforehand and wendy had no authority to tell me to leave. i was told we had 'backed mama into a corner' and wendy was there to protect mama and the young children in the house from *us*. (umm, yeah right.) i think we laughed but not sure if it was out loud. we told her and monica that we were going to call charlie.

started walking to the house and she dashed in front of me to say we could call charlie but we'd have to do it from outside. laughing and looking around we asked what she expected us to use?

another side note. way back when our family moved here there was a time when wendy and i were close. one of those misery loves company things and over time we stopped spending time together. at the time we were close though, we were living in the hellish roach infested home we've mentioned before. wendy was living in a nice clean *used* trailer. in the ten years since, we've gone from losing everything in a fire, unemployment, and unbelievable debt ($30,000 worth) to slowly rebuilding our life. without going into detail, suffice it to say we are a far cry from where we were 10 years ago.

wendy on the other hand, is in a camper without so much as a toilet. (please, please understand this is not a *we think we're better than her* thing. just examples of two sets of families who have reaped the rewards of the lives they chose) for wendy, this is an infuriating injustice since she has always firmly believed the world owes her.

i told her again we were going in the house to call mama. the screaming reached an even higher pitch as she said no way. she then began to launch into how her day was disrupted by this. i informed her that was her problem, not mine. i tried explaining that charlie needed to know that he would not be able to get in touch with us since we would not be over at mama's and that he needed to get in touch with kristy to go ahead and start dinner. her words exactly were "that's bullshit. you just want to go in there and get on the phone with junior and raise a holy bitch fit!"

this is where we almost lost the calm we'd kept up. the desire to grab her by the neck was OVERWHELMING!

my response was "just because wendy would do that, don't assume i would. i'm not wendy."

this was where her screaming was joined by her bouncing up and down in fury. i walked past her and told her she had no authority to keep me from talking to mama and went inside.

yes, there is some anger with mama, but having known her for as long as we have. her entire set of coping tools is automatic and everyone in the family long ago decided she was too set in her ways to change. the only one in this that we are angry with (that includes charlie) is wendy and her meddling, controlling bullshit. she has not even run to her parents over this as (we found out today) they have banned her from calling or coming to their home. she's got charlie's mom out on this highly dysfunctional island and mama's protecting her captor. standard for this family. *sigh*

when we went into the house we found mama washing dishes. an activity that mama will throw herself into whenever she is angry or trying to hide her tears. the way her house is set up, when she's washing dishes her face can't be seen from anywhere inside or out of the house, so it gives her a sense of safety.

we let her know that we were not angry and that we were sorry for the misunderstanding. we did not intend to make her feel 'forced' and were more than willing to use a rented facility. she turned to me and said thru her tears that she was afraid to say no because she knew the people who needed it didn't have the funds to rent storage and still put a deposit on a house. i told her that was true but that it was not her responsibility and that we could take care of it. we again told her we weren't angry with her. (charlie and i have dealt with this stuff so long that the world mama lives in no longer draws us in. her fear and hurt were real, though her very hateful actions afterward are just as real. we know that she is outright unable to acknowledge that she is ever anything but the victim of others. while we won't play the emotional games with her, it's not out of anger toward her. it's just simply been ingrained so long, we know she won't change.)

i asked her to try to tell us she's upset with us rather than bring a third party into it, because there is no one else in the family we are more willing to talk to than her. we asked if we could call charlie and she said it was fine.

we called charlie and had a rather cryptic conversation that prevented wendy (who was so close i could feel her breath on my neck) from having ammunition to prove we were out to get her.

we then left and called charlie again from a convenience store to give him the details. he was livid. wendy had called him the moment we pulled out of the driveway to 'tell him what *really* happened'. he said 'bullshit' and hung up on her.

charlie later went over to mama's house. mama immediately called the police.

when they spoke today mama said she was afraid he might hit her. he handled it beautifully considering that was an outright attempt to wound charlie. his dad was a very violent man who bloodied mama every time he got drunk and charlie is as different from his dad and night is from day. he simply asked her if he had ever raised a hand to her? no. had he ever threatened her? no. had he ever given her the slightest suggestion that he would? no. so why? because wendy had spent the entire day telling mama to be careful because junior was ballistic and dangerous.


mama and charlie were having an argument. yes it was loud, but keep in mind that mama had reported the 'domestic disturbance and her dangerous son' before charlie had even parked his van. oh, and wendy, mama's self-appointed protector, was NOWHERE to be found.

the officer separated them, spoke to them separately and then came to charlie and told him that he'd given mama and wendy one full week to get their stuff out of the storage container (mama had very loudly told the officer we were trying to take what little she had) and that charlie is to come over with a police escort to remove the container, so that another argument can be avoided.

since tuesday, mama has called church leadership to tell them we had tried to force her to take our friend into her home to stay with her for a few weeks and that we were trying to hurt her because she hadn't wanted to. now bear in mind that mama has no clue she told a lie, because in her world, anything on her property is 'her home' and having someone's belongings there is no different from them being there physically. she also has no clue that she has embellished the truth in any way because she has wendy to feed the flame.

fortunately charlie had already called the pastor (he's the only true father figure charlie has ever had) and had expressed both his anger and grief. because wendy is there, i cannot feel safe taking the kids there. the only way for them to see their grandmother will be in a neutral location. because mama doesn't drive she will have to rely on wendy to get her there. in other words, the kids have lost their grandma.

i hate that this is happening, but as charlie put it, it's been a long time coming. mama has never forgiven him for choosing another woman over him, and has never forgiven me for stealing her son. that hatred she hides is going to cost her her family. her older son, wendy's dad, will not go over there for the same reason we have. he provided a 'home' for wendy in the camper but has made it clear she is never to contact him again. for the sake of holding onto the only other person as hopelessly co-dependent as she is, mama has lost her sons. she has her youngest, robert, but he fried his brain on crack and was left moderately brain damaged after a cerebral aneurism ruptured 8 years ago. he now requires supervision (he was caught molesting a child) and mama will allow no one else to take care of him.

there have been no tears over this yet. they're coming... they are definitely coming. no matter how strongly we believe we are doing the right thing in standing against the emotional games they play, it is heartbreaking to see mama cut off her nose to spite her face. it is even more upsetting to see charlie lose his mom in much the same way he lost his dad. daddy died less than a year after telling charlie to choose them or me (those tears haven't been cried either). charlie committed the unforgivable sin of not choosing 'blood' over the piece of shit they say he married. something mama threw in his face when they talked today.

they won't be talking again. (can't help but have a tiny shred of hope she'll come around) tuesday the container is being moved to a place where charlie and his business partners can access it for storage of equipment. we've made arrangements for people to help mama and wendy empty the container. (mama believes this is a bluff and that by telling charlie she has no way of emptying it he'll break down and leave it there)

shit. the tears are starting. what a petty load of shit to tear a family apart. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't glad charlie 'chose' me, but that doesn't mean there's no hurt or compassion for mama. like it or not, she also chose. still, this should never have happened. wish we had the energy to hate wendy with the venom she so deserves.

lyn better have extra boxes of tissues in her office come monday.