Friday, January 3, 2014

beginning again...

8/21/2002

 the more i focus on the here and now and what needs to be done from a practical standpoint, the more the pressure builds. is there no way to strike a balance? is there no way to allow for meeting the needs of us without letting family, home and friends slide?

charlie needed us to take something up to the port today. since it's a 45 min drive or so, we went to lunch as well. had he not needed me to, we wouldn't have left the house. it was well on the way to being one of those hiding my face and wishing the world away days.

just writing an entry means at least 3 things that need doing now are getting put off. one of those things is dinner on time.

this always feels like drowning. that struggle to stay above water and just be able to breathe. we need a babysitter desperately. the only way to get time alone without kids is to wait for them all to be asleep. by then, we're ready to sleep so time alone means giving up the rest we can't do without.

hospital dreams, flashbacks, and just pain in the ass memories are almost constant the last few days. the need to bleed has managed to sink in it's claws again and won't let go til we do. it would be a lie to say that anyone of us can look in the mirror right now and not immediately find something to hate.

we need a break and it is not an option right now. it can't wait much longer. we can't wait much longer.