Friday, January 24, 2014

decent into hell


it's not that anything traumatic happened during the trip. just that being *home* in the same house where so many things happened opened doors in my mind that i'd managed to keep shut for more than 7 years.

i was in counseling in graham, north carolina with a young man finishing his training. i'd seen him for just over a year and after getting out of the hospital in fayetteville the 'voices' that had been so much a part of my life had become overwhelming. i knew that i knew that i knew that there were other 'parts' to me. the concept of inner children was popular at that time and so i decided that these voices were just the emotional 'children' that represented areas where i stopped growing emotionally because of the abuse.

i had been trying to talk to larry about this when in a session one day amelia (then called roo) was triggered by discussions of early sexual abuse. the next thing i knew i was curled in a corner on the floor and larry had spent the entire session talking to her.

over the next few weeks it happened again. amelia and reese began telling of some of the things we'd endured. larry, unsure of where to go with this, spoke to the psychiatrist he was training under.

at our next session, before i had even sat down, larry announced that we had to deal with a situation that was hindering my healing. he had had enough of playing along while i 'acted out' events of childhood. 'the inner child nonsense ends now'. his exact words. he told me he would not talk to roo or reese again.

that was the last time i 'split'. the last alter created in this mind. control (now levia) stepped in and created an internal wall shutting everyone inside away from me. after that it was easy to 'forget' there had ever been others.

so, with my unconscious wall crumbling and all my defenses losing strength, 10 days with my parents was enough to strip away any semblance of 'normal' i had left.

by the time we got back home i was a wreck. i'd spent at least 3 nights while in virginia, in hysterical tears (not something my parents could begin to understand). the bulimic behavior that had been my last resort in the last 7 years flared up and took over. in 3 months i lost 30 lbs and by the time i knew i needed help i couldn't eat without spending the entire night in pain.

i sought counseling at church. meeting with the pastor and one of the elder's wives, we got together every couple of weeks to talk.

not sure when the girls started jumping in every now and then during these talks, but remember the first time someone identified herself. one of the littles had run and tried to hide and when pastor R tried to convince 'me' it was safe, stephanie attacked him. it wasn't the last time in the next few months she tried to strangle him, but it was the last time he was caught unprepared.