Monday, January 13, 2014

it's about freakin' time!

8/30/2002

ahhh... finally able to make an appointment and not a moment too soon. really need to bounce some of what's been going on off someone who's supposed to know about all this shit.

spent most of yesterday evening in the ER with rachel. she was jumping a friend's bike on a ramp and fell catching her eyebrow on the rusted end of the handle bar. cut her clear down to the bone, poor kid. so, several stitches later... she told the doc that the stitches and tetanus shot weren't near as bad as her fear of them had been. kind of a neat discovery to make at only 10. that the fear of something is often far worse than the 'something'. not always of course, but this was a good revelation for her.

she's staying out of school today and she and john are going to visit with a friend while we go see dr. c.

will have to post about pat later. she's one of the most incredible people we've ever known, but she was part of the co-dependent fiasco of a few years ago and it's been hard to rebuild a friendship. she's afraid of letting the girls become dependent on her again and we're afraid of crossing a boundary, so we just kind of dance around things and never actually get anywhere.

i miss her. the whole family misses them. we used to go visit, swim in their pool, wander the woods and feed their horses... we want the good and healthy parts of this friendship back... but don't know how to go about it. plus, we're both afraid we'll just break down and cry if we try. we were all so hurt in what happened. it took pat a long time to heal. it made me so nervous to call pat and ask if she could take the kids that we made charlie do it.

when petra was preparing to integrate back in march... we asked pat to do a scrapbook page for her. until pat, petra had never ever spoken aloud. pat was the first one she spoke to and the one who made her feel safe enough to tell of the things that had been done to us. pat filled the page we gave her with the lyrics to a song called 'Fly' by celine dion. it was the song played at her granddaughter's memorial (her 13 yo granddaughter passed away 9/6 last year) and she had said that when she thought of petra, that song just kept coming to mind. when i picked up the page we both just stood there in this awkward silence, trying to hold back tears, knowing we couldn't just let go and talk about all that had happened.

still hurts too much right now. the girls who know pat all so want to talk to her, but we can't ask... it's a long long story. just need strength enough to put on a serene face and hope that some shred of the peace we once found at her house, is still there. this is a bridge that should never have been burned.

it's past time to rebuild... just not sure how to start.