Wednesday, January 22, 2014

last straw

9/6/2002

gonna hate myself for not making this a private entry. never tried to tell anyone i wasn't a screw up. two people are having a war of words cuz of us. someone's feelings got hurt because we got triggered and got rude. that person was noted by us and told we were wrong and people are still coming over to tell us what we already know. WE WERE WRONG. thought that was already established.

charlie's family says were shit. people who don't know us say were a faker. every bad thing going on in our little corner of the universe is our fault. ok mom, it's my fault! ok dr. stein, i'm a liar! ok larry, you don't have to hear the inner child bullshit anymore! ok everybody, we're shit! yea, shoulda known better than to try to believe anything else.

12 years ago D** tried to kill us and kidnap kris. she said if she couldn't have marisa she would take one of the kids.

marisa still gets scared over strangers who look at the kids wrong. if we don't want to play a card game or whatever it is that is even distantly related to the darkness we had to go thru, its our choice! i want nothing to do with anything that even pretends black magic. you have the right to play those games, why is it not ok for us to say NO?

if anyone in this system does something wrong, we ALL take responsibility. it's the right thing to do. we don't make excuses and say oh so and so is hurting over this and so its totally ok that she acted bitchy and you should just let her off the hook and you can't hold the rest of us to blame for it. we don't do that cuz it's wrong. if we screw up we admit it.

why is it ok for everybody else and not us? why can other people get hurt and we are supposed to kiss ass but if we're hurt we have to just get over it?

okay, so you've won. it hurts. i feel hurt, worthless, a shitty bitch and a liar. i feel like i have no right to exist because marisa must be a fucking liar. faker. attention seeker. i've lost the one safe place i have in the whole world.

will you leave us alone if we say it's all bullshit? will you leave me alone if i admit i'm not made of steel? will it make you feel better if we stop fighting to become one and just go back to the hell we used to be in? will it make it better if we just go away?

don't answer. i don't really wanna know. but this is still my diary and i'm not gonna try to make everybody happy cuz i can't.

reese, the girl who doesn't really exist