Tuesday, January 14, 2014

why am i always the last to know???

8/31/2002

talked to harley today and mentioned that i have now realized that seeing dr. c and lyn causes headaches. they responded with something along the lines of, 'well yeah. the whole time we were there every time you'd come out you'd be like, i got a headache'.... when i told charlie he said, 'well i know how to cure that!'

okay so maybe i should have picked up on it sooner. i mean, i knew when we made the decision last year to treat recovery like a full time job, that it would be hard. knew it would be exhausting, and have even mentioned to the kids several times that on mommy's t days (therapy) she's going to be napping in the afternoon. guess it just never fully sunk in how really really HARD it is to talk about this stuff and maintain control. it wasn't all that long ago we were totally out of control.

so, read several bits and pieces from the last 3 weeks of entries to dr. c and he said that we're putting the pieces together. we are. i know we are. he also asked if the triggering of the teens and littles inside had anything to do with the writing in the other diary. one of those 'we can't see the forest for the trees' things. had to sit down and read the last month's entries to really make the connection. well, that's why he gets the big bucks. if we had to try and slog our way thru this without his and lyn's guidance, we'd be like so many other people we've met in the last year who simply flounder from crisis to crisis and never seem to really function at all. not talking about ANYONE here... talking about the vast majority of the people with DID we've come to know. not to pat us on the back or anything, but the ones we know who are able to keep moving on with their lives while sorting thru the confused mess of their past are the ones who fought the system, and insurance companies, the doubters, the families and all the other bull that comes with this, and never stopped fighting.

my official b-day is in may... but the actual date of birth is april 3. don't know why, but for whatever reason that was the day *we* chose for petra, gloria, lesa, and the baby to integrate. i guess for us there's a real symbolism in celebrating our birth with the merging of parts who have shared their pain and are ready to heal. realized today that not only was it not an accident, since it was something we planned and prepared for, but it set the precedent for future integration.

not to say that it will all be scheduled and planned. there have been several, what they call fragments, parts who were only there for a small fraction of time or for only certain experiences but are not, what you might call full-fledged personalities. for us, they are like memories with voice. they are stuck in time where ever it was they came on the scene and have no idea or awareness of *now*. like the one still stuck in a seclusion room in a hospital in another state. she's here in this mind but somehow still locked in that room.

these parts who have come forward and let their secrets and pain be known and experienced by the rest of us, just naturally blended in with whoever was closest in age.

it was those who have lived more than the bits and pieces, those who were more divided or separate, emotionally and mentally. those who have had more months or years of time they had experienced. those who have been around long enough to tell us or be given their name. they are the ones we will plan and prepare for when time to let go of the separateness comes.

this comes to mind because as more of the years of abuse and as more of these parts come forward... the more the picture becomes complete. with completion there is no longer a need for the separateness that helped us to survive.

it hit like a load of bricks today, driving home... i've known for some time but never spoken aloud, who in The Crew would merge together... what hit today is that come april... *sigh* there will be more merging. yes, it's a great thing. yes, it is what we are working like crazy to achieve... but stephanie, reese, amelia, stacy... their presence has been there for so much of this life... the idea of it being just the five of us is scary as hell. just thinking about it makes me panicky i know the time is coming, but it's not here yet. i'm not ready to think about this. it's there, and it'll still be there when i'm ready.

it's bigger than letting go of anorexia and bulemia. bigger than letting go of drugs and drinking. bigger even than learning to trust again. there has never been a time of being only one. never. talk about blind faith. but it's okay. we don't have to do it yet. i don't have to be ready yet. just have to remember what amelia says about integration... in the end... "they aren't going anywhere. there'll just be more of me."