Monday, February 24, 2014

9/26/02

9/26/2002

not again. oh please, my God. not again. this nearly killed me before. i can't too much too soon. where am i supposed to start? i can't breathe. i'm not willing to keep myself heavily medicated just to get through a day. the kids. the more weighed down this gets us, the less mother they have. it's not fair to them.

why? no! please can't this just be a dream. all of it, just on elaborate fantasy. i'm willing to be the liar! let this all have been a lie. i can pretend the voices are my thoughts. i can put the wall up again. i can recreate myself to be the perfect wife and mother. i've done it before. NO! this can't be REAL!

the one thing... THE ONE DAMN THING we haven't had to deal with is staring me down and waiting for me to crumble. why isn't it enough to have been through the mutilation and abuse we all remember. why isn't it enough to have been identifiable to any pedophile within miles. why isn't it enough that i was an easy target for everyone. we've been through every other horrible thing a kid can go through! why does it have to be this? why does it have to be family?

i don't want the answers. i don't want to know. I WANT THIS NOT TO BE REAL!

can't think can't breathe can't function can't rest can't let the others step in because it's already taking everyone inside to keep this body in one piece.

i want to hide in the shower. i want to bleed. i want this to go away. please stop!

curl in a ball and hide away. the monster can't come anymore. keep the light on. he won't come if you see his face. wrap the covers tight around you. hide at the foot of the bed. maybe he won't see you. maybe tonight he'll leave you alone.

close your eyes when you see him coming. i'm asleep. i can't play the game.

God help me