Sunday, February 9, 2014

common threads


dr. c, in his inimitable laid back style, once mentioned that every multiple he's ever treated had, within their system, a common thread. something each and every alter has in common. for some it may be a character trait, for others it may be a trigger.

well, with one ring of the phone today, we stepped up to our eyeballs in our wildly tangled common thread.

for the first time since we locked up the feelings around the fiasco that was the counseling relationship with pastor R and pat, it landed like a friggin anvil (yeah, another cartoon analogy) on my head.

for the first time in a year, we found ourselves in a place of having NO ONE inside able to step in because it screwed us ALL up.

tried explaining to charlie (who, by what i'm convinced was not just a luck up, was home 3 hours early) that while i was wanting desperately to run *inside* and hide from the weight of the emotion, there was no one else who could take control. it's good, in that i didn't run and hide. i stayed with it rather than leaving charlie with a shell of his wife with the glassy stare and waxy limbs of a catatonic, for who knows how long. i stayed. not to say it was harder than anyone else's job. everyone was equally screwed today. the ones who weren't triggered (the 3 helpers) were busy trying to keep everyone else from giving into their various impulses. (ranging from slamming our head into the 6 inch, solid oak posts at the foot of the bed to walking out the second story window) seriously thought we'd be headed to the hospital tonight.

*back to the cartoons again* it's like grabbing the tail of sylvester only to find it's really a panther, and he's really pissed.

i'm comparing this life to a cartoon... but at the moment it's just about as unreal.

upside. upside. there's ALWAYS a damned upside! finally know beyond a doubt that the one thing every single one of us, from the biggest pieces to the tiniest slivers of this broken mirror. the ONE thing that no matter what happened, this was the bottom line...

if it's good we'll ruin it and if it's bad it's our fault.

no matter how many of us learn that's not true, it seems there are always more who know it is. it's the one lie that never gets diminished, no matter how many times we tell ourselves the truth.

so there's the common thread. the one *hurt* that we ALL share. the queen mother of big ass, ugly lies. the last missing piece to the puzzle... only we haven't got enough together to know where it goes yet.

why can't it just be as simple as saying, 'no, i'm NOT shit/poison/your choice here.'?

i know, somewhere inside there is the knowledge of where to go from here. something we'll be able to do together. i know we're headed in the right direction but somebody came and turned out all the lights today. now we can't even see the step we're on! maybe it's because we just need to rest here before moving on.

God, i hope so, because now you're up to 1500 years of sleep you owe me in heaven.