Monday, February 10, 2014

dear motown

9/18/2002

it took a lot of guts for you to call yesterday. the fact that you tried a few minutes before and hung up shows how hard it was for you to do. i am truly sorry that you were not able to have the resolution you were looking for. we know it's just as important to you that the two of us can work through this. it's heartbreaking to know that in telling you we need time to process our hurt and anger, you are being hurt again.

i don't see how it can be handled any differently.

when this began, when we both crossed the boundaries of healthy friendship, when you began to depend on our experience and we began to need to help fix things, we both got overloaded. when we realized what was happening and what our part in it was, we contacted you to apologize and accept responsibility. we asked your forgiveness and gave our word we wouldn't cross that boundary again. in doing that i forgot that me and my system were not the only ones to have made choices that hurt the other. instead, we took the full portion of responsibility.

in the two conversations we've had since then, until yesterday, you told us that talking to us caused you confusion (wouldn't you take that personally?) and when we shared about something extremely important and exciting with you, you simply stated it would trigger you and closed the door on further conversation. despite having given my word, you read into that a suggestion that you needed to do as we were doing, so rather than rejoice with us, you told us you couldn't handle it. would that not hurt you?

i'm not saying that you should know my triggers and read my mind. i'm saying that just as our actions had a negative and hurtful effect on you, so yours did to us.

talking to you yesterday, the moment we told you this was something we did not know how to deal with, you began to analyze our reactions in order to tell us that we needed to change. while it is true that we need to heal from the particular hurt this brought up, by doing so you denied that your actions could hurt another while at the same time telling us how our actions hurt you. in doing so you minimized the validity of our feelings. why is it not okay for us to have the same right to feel pain that you do?

our IM's were ignored and attempts to communicate were brushed off and we were left hanging with no idea of where our friendship stood. i was honest yesterday in saying we love you, we want you in our lives and we will contact you. it was not a rejection, though i don't doubt that it felt that way. can you understand that just as we would never ever hurt you with intent, that just as it can still happen, so can you hurt us? it doesn't have to have been intentional. it just is.

i don't expect things to be perfect. i do expect to be given the same right to be hurt that you have. i do expect to be given the space to work through just as you needed. i do not expect to be treated as if my pain and confusion are somehow less real or important than yours simply because we've come further or are different or because you can't face that you weren't the only one wounded in this.

we're not asking you to do as we did and say "I'm sorry I hurt you." we're asking you to accept that we too need the right to heal in our own time and our own way.

again, i can't tell you how deeply we regret all of this and how much we wish we could erase both our mistakes and just carry on. we can't change what has happened, but that doesn't mean we can't both use this as a chance to grow and heal.

i need the time to do that.

with love,

marisa