Saturday, February 22, 2014

don't know what to believe


sleeping pill, tranquilizer and my regular meds and here i am still waking in the middle of the night.

i've known these memories before. more than 11 years ago in durham. for 4 years i believed and than somehow i managed to forget. the memories became less real, more foreign and harder to believe.

the more i see of my dad today the harder it is for me to even consider this can be true. i know he and mom had troubles at one time. i know that when she was pregnant with my baby sister, she was miserable and depressed. i know that i was dad's *favorite* and the jealousy and abuse that brought from sisters and brothers over the years. i know that mum has admitted dad had an *affair* to everyone but me, and i know that somewhere along the line i became her whipping post.

does it make sense for a father of 9 kids to offer to divorce mum and take you and you alone with him? does it make sense that when, at 13, a man in the neighborhood, without actually *touching* me, molested me, for dad to buy me a pearl necklace? he said it was to remind me i'm loved and he'll protect me.

does it make sense that when josh raped me at 16 dad's reaction was to pull his hand back to hit me and publicly humiliate me? does it make sense that he set himself up over the years as my *protector* against mom and that when i broke down in one of the last hospitals and told him of the things done to me in the woods, and in the pool and in so many other places...he had no reaction at all, nor did he tell mum?

that's not true. he cried. he cried harder than you've ever seen him cry.

how could everyone see i was his favorite but i believed he hated me?

if this isn't real then why has the fear of the shadow in my doorway remained my own memory my whole life? even tho i've only just begun to accept the years before 9 as my own?

how could he present himself as the model father, leader and humanitarian and have done those things? why can i still smell the sticky sweet alcohol odor of his skin?

i know the name the twins spoke before the guardian came out to deny it all. i know i'd rather believe her. i could tell myself these are *screen* memories, meant to cover up something even more difficult to bear, but what? what the hell else is worse than this? of all the kids, why me? why has every little had complete terror at the idea of a daddy?

dr. c said i'm strong enough to process it and accept it now. that's why they came up as they did. i know that my fear and anger with kristen taking off with a boy into the woods triggered this. i know i don't feel strong enough for this. not THIS.

i can't make myself numb to this. i can't drive the feelings away. dissociation is no escape from the hell that i'm fighting to find a way to believe is a lie. the total meltdown that so terrifies me looms like an enormous storm on the horizon.

when dr.c asked how i've been able to hold on when this overwhelmed and panicked before... all i could tell him was the blades. the blades, the bulimia, the rages when my hands would get broken... the other things. nothing safe or peaceful. there are some emotions that just don't turn off once you let them escape.

i've never been so terrified. even the others, seem so far away and foreign. i know reese and stephanie have always known. they, as has always been the *job*, did not force the truth on me.

we have all fought so hard in the last 3 years. fought to know the truth. this, this i cannot fight for. this i don't want.