Thursday, February 6, 2014

listening experiment

9/13/2002

tried listening to some of the ones who have been talking (not necessarily *to* anyone. it's just there) and trying to write some of it down turned out to be too much. saved it as a private entry. it's weird... so much of what has happened is easy enough to say out loud. i can acknowledge that these events occurred but to tell it in first person is way too much. to say, this happened to ME, or I did this, or whatever... at least about some of it, is way too hard right now.

with few exceptions, the sexual abuse that occurred and the activities i/we participated in are there to be remembered. i know what happened. that's not the hard part.

the hard part is listening to the 8yo telling of it. or the 5yo or 3yo or even 16yo...to feel the emotions and call them my own. if i open the door to the emotions the shame becomes so overwhelming. i can't breath or think. my hands shake and become clammy and the drive to huddle in the closet or cause myself harm takes over. the fog rolls in and i risk losing *control*.

so much of what happened in hospitals is the same. not for the same reasons, but because they worked so hard to confirm all the lies i already knew. lies about being manipulative, spoiled, the favorite, selfish, lying, dirty, blah blah blah. these places of *healing* served to do more harm than even my home life at that time. to say, 'this happened to me' or 'they did this' would be to bring shame upon myself for complaining about treatment i deserved. pretty screwed up, eh?

as much as i need physical rest... the dreams have started again. the sleeping children are filling the nights with the things they have been taught to hide from the world.

somehow there has got to be a safe way to begin letting this out. there is always the fear (no matter how far we've come) that it will be *too* much and we'll crumble under the weight of it. one of the reasons so few of the crew will talk in therapy. they are afraid of condemnation and i'm afraid to switch and lose control.