Tuesday, February 25, 2014

staying *with* it

9/27/2002

trying our best to keep ourselves out front. stephanie, reese and i, but it's getting hard. let the guard down for a minute and it starts to crumble. it's been years since i've had this constant shake through out my whole body. that was just before the wall came down and the girls made themselves 'officially' known.

keep telling myself it'll be alright. isn't that a line from a song?

someone was up after amelia last night and there are rows of small burns where it looks as if a lit cigarette was just dotted up and down my left arm. *sigh* it's frightening to not really know who's doing the SI, because we don't know the reason or how to help them know they can be safe without self-harm.

anyone who's seen the movie spy kids... in floop's castle there was a virtual room that was almost like a psychotic fun house. the parts of our *inside* house where the sleeping children are, the unknown parts, are much like the virtual room. we can't simply go find them and bring them to safety. they have to find their way out. once they do, they are given a place of their own in the safe part of our *house*.

we can try to communicate with them and sometimes i think they hear what's said aloud, but even writing to them is iffy, since they would have to come out to read it.

no matter how hard we try, it's just not always possible to control *how* they come out. so if someone is violently angry or intent on self-harm or suicide, it gets scary as hell. there have been a handful of times in the last 3 years that charlie has had to keep all medications in the house in a fire safe and the key with him at all times. we've had to have friends come provide 24 watch. in some ways, i know that with trish and harley here, we can ask for that help if needed, but there's a whole big trigger there too.

if it comes down to it, we know the hospital is an option, but even dr. c agrees it's a bad one. the one place our ins. will pay for is barely equipped to deal with depression, let alone DID. there is one RN per shift and the rest of the staff are 'mental health workers'. all that really means is they are untrained warm bodies being paid minimum wage to babysit the loonies.

this is sounding like rambling, but at least it's keeping me sitting here and not falling into the fog where i can't stop something from happening.

i know we survived what happened with him and we survived these memories coming up before. somehow we will get thru this. just not looking forward to what it will take to get there.

thanks everybody for your support. wish there were words to tell you how much it means to us all.