Friday, March 28, 2014

but i don't wanna!

10/2/2002

don't you hate when you're stuck knowing you have to do something you really really don't want to do, even if it is the right thing?

managed to skirt around getting bloodwork done when we were sick back in may and july. went to the doctor then for the same reason as now... can't talk, laugh or breathe deeply without starting a wheezing coughing fit. the coughing causes my back muscles to spasm leaving me on my knees. (was *never* sick as a child, only *faking*) as much as i hate looking and feeling so pathetic (really playing that sympathy game for some attention, huh? just suck it up and go on!) it's far less stressful than actually going to the doctor. we have learned that waiting until it requires a trip to the ER is more frustrating, time consuming and dignity crushing than just screwing up our courage and going to see our own doc.

she's really nice and understanding of the SI and she listens. that's a big thing for us. she listens with consideration and respect and doesn't blow us off simply because of the DID. (you know the type... the attitude that says 'you have *insert diagnosis here* therefore you cannot possibly know your own needs, have any common sense, intelligence or reason and i'll simply ignore you and shove a pill at every symptom') she knows where we've been burned by the profession in the past and consciously goes out of her way to ensure we are treated with as much emphasis on preserving our dignity and privacy as there is for preserving our health.

that said...it's been almost a year since we've had bloodwork done and we've totally ignored our end of the bargain to get the H & H levels checked regularly if we're cutting and i know that i know that i know if they had gone up at all from the bloodletting in june and july, they're back down again by now.

i broke my word to avoid having to get transfused again and now i have to face it. i hate that i let fear and shame nail us again by keeping me from just admitting how bad the cutting was then and dealing with it.

have a lot to vent on the SI issue... right now though, we need sleep more.

thanks to ALL OF YOU for your notes and for even reading our ramblings. for all its failings, FOD has given us a safe and healthy place to share and a special bunch of people who support without judgement and condition. we've made more real progress in our 3 months here than in any other online or real life community we've known.

so sappy sentimental hugs to everyone *grin* you've no idea what a gift you are to us.

g'night