Saturday, March 29, 2014

Phu-Que: the new wonder drug

10/5/2002

you can tell the mood tonight by the choice of television and books. switching (no pun intended) back and forth between two movies that don't exactly leave the warm fuzzies and reading one that ends in heartbreak.

one of those days that make you wonder if anything more can possibly go wrong. one of those days where pessimism just moves in and makes itself at home. charlie is pulling another 9-10 day work week. no idea when he'll have time off but when he does, it's usually spent catching up on sleep.

could sleep forever. no amount of sleep provides rest and that makes it seem futile, though still very tempting. briefly entertained the thought of swallowing enough of something to force a day or two of sleep, but know better. just a small flight of wishful thinking, or perhaps an outright wish. it would at least quiet the endless coughing for a time.

the medication to treat the side effect that comes from any antibiotic, was forgotten again. it makes sense. the medication to treat the sickness doesn't work. the medication to treat the symptoms also works for shit. why remember the one essential for hope of any comfort until the damn thing runs its course?

meanwhile, each coughing spell irritates the throat enough that it will start bleeding again soon. no amount of medication has touched the headache.

attempted to put a fist thru a cabinet door earlier but lacked the necessary enthusiasm to do anything more than slightly bruise the knuckles. there are enough doors with holes in them already and the kids running around would have seen.

want desperately to indulge in a long bath but know too well what would happen. if people fall apart over finding evidence of cutting in the shower, how would they react to walking in on someone in a watery bloodbath?

 can't risk cutting as there is too much carelessness. all evidence must be removed, disposed of, cleaned and hidden again for later use. the last time there was cutting, the used blade was left in the shower and only remembered after being away from home for 4 hours. trying to get back before children got home from school or worse, charlie got home from work and stumbled upon it, was an experience in panic.

what kind of stupidity does it take to intentionally trigger oneselves. yes, the collective. buzzing away in a sound that can block out all others. why go out of your way to make it worse? why join in and encourage the noise if it is possible to shut it out? why join in the noise of the world if it is possible to shut it out as well?

then again, the world is not so easy to ignore.