Sunday, March 30, 2014

reaction vs. response


here is a good argument for writing when you get upset, before acting on your feelings

if i hadn't written out what was going on inside... how it felt or had just stuffed it down out of reach, it would have come out in anger toward charlie and he would have reacted and we'd have had a fight instead of the productive discussion we had.

here's the reaction to being upset today, written just before charlie and i talked:

i'm tired. i need sleep. i need to rest. the only thing that stops the coughing is sleeping. charlie told me last night that this is like the cough he had last year that put him to bed for awhile. he read the entries up until yesterday evening and even after reading that he still is acting grouchy toward me for laying down. he needed to work today but took the day off because yesterday was so bad. i'd rather he not stay home if he's going to resent taking the day off because of me. i'd rather suffer thru the day alone than to have him in the house ignoring my presence except when i get in his way.

i am pissed about the fact that he knew how shitty i feel and when kris woke me up to remind me she needed to have her bookbag picked up before 5:30, i asked charlie if he could take her. his response was 'i'll do it because i know you don't want to. if you wanted to you wouldn't have asked.' granted, he threw a quick 'and i know you don't feel well' in there after he realized what an ass he was sounding like, but it was pretty much too late. i took her and took john to spend his birthday money as well. if i hadn't gone, charlie would not have remembered that part and it was my promise to take him anyway.

i am so pissed. no, really i'm hurt. being sick triggers me badly and i get the feeling he's pulling one of his 'sink or swim' routines, trying to tell me to just get over it. i'm hurt that he has spent the entire day at the computer ignoring me and the kids unless he's pissed. i'm trying not to cry because there is too much to do and crying will only irritate him. he's in *that* mood right now.

i shouldn't have to ask permission to rest when i'm sick. i shouldn't be made to feel guilty if i do and at the moment i feel completely and utterly abandoned by everyone in this house. abandoned, alone, brushed off, disregarded, worthless, selfish. shit shit shit

here's the response:

feel so shitty. i hate being sick. it upsets the entire system because it wasn't allowed as a kid. there are just so many raw emotions on the subject. i feel pressured to keep up with the house, which i couldn't do before i got sick. getting further and further behind just starts the whole 'failure/not good enough' message.

after i got home from taking kris and john out (i didn't feel up to going but went after getting pissed at charlie's reaction when i asked him to do it.), charlie asked if i was angry at him. i said yes immediately, rather than give myself time to chicken out. i told him i was angry and hurt. he knew as soon as he said it i was hurt, but didn't know how to respond. he let me go ahead and go out hoping i'd cool off so we could talk. (good move really).

for whatever reason, he had wanted me to verbally acknowledge that i didn't want to go out. he's not even sure why he wanted that but i'm sure it's an area of 'learning to speak your spouse's emotional language' that we will need to discuss later. (the language issue is one we've been trying to explain to harley and trish and that would naturally bring it up for us) i had thought my not wanting to go was obvious and was hurt by his use of the word 'want' because i took it in the context of 'too lazy'.

told him that i felt ignored and pressured. i resented him spending so much time on the computer today (as if we don't do it...). i vented some about feeling like it's not okay for me to be sick. not so much that i can't be sick but that it's not okay for me to stop and take time to get better.

told him how lonely i feel these days because we get no time at all together. i told him most of the things that are stressing us right now but it was the issue of being sick that finally reduced me to tears.

he got up and wrapped his arms around me and when i told him i need to be given permission to take care of myself he was able to understand that it needs to be verbal. i've tried so hard to put away the 'sick' triggers and it's still a huge thing. he thought that by not telling me to get up or by not pointing out what needs to be done, that that was 'permission'. he hugged me and apologized for not recognizing all these years that what i need (because i NEVER got it) was to be told to get in bed and take care of myself. i need that verbal acknowlegment or all the old messages and paranoia just take over and i read negativity into and personalize everything anyone does or says.

charlie told me how frustrated and tired he's been too. he told me about the areas where he was more or less feeling paranoid about things he thought were upsetting me. areas where he felt he wasn't measuring up. all things that weren't bothering us at all. things he needed to know were okay. so chalk up another *language* lesson and a fairly good cry.

i've been told to go to bed for the night and charlie is taking care of dinner and the kids.

so, g'night.