Sunday, March 23, 2014

unbreaking the mirror

9/29/2002

the littles are getting creative and using art to express themselves. it hurts so much to look at their pictures. how can abusers really believe that they are doing anything but evil? how can they not realize the extent of the damage they do?

our bodies were created to find pleasure in sex, but not until the body and mind are mature enough to handle it. when a tiny child is sexualized, those physiological responses are kicked into gear. that's just the way we're made. so when abuse begins and is on going, the child will eventually have physical responses beyond their control. when those responses kick in, the shame and degradation that are already there from the abuse itself, only get deeper and stronger because now there is the guilt. guilt and shame for a body responding with physical pleasure to something hideous and wrong. how can one NOT feel shame?

how do you tell a 4 year old that just because they feel something in their body, doesn't make them to blame? shit, for that matter, how do i convince myself, or reese or anyone else? how are we supposed to revisit that hell so it can be put to rest without having to experience this body betraying us even in the memory?

i can handle the shame and the fear. i cannot handle THIS!

i cannot handle physical sensations reserved ONLY for intimacy with charlie coming up in the memories of abuse! i cannot handle the fact that my body betrays me even NOW! i don't want to remember the ways we punished ourself for those feelings. i don't want to remember the things we willingly and at times intentionally endured because of a drive beyond our control. a drive started by the sick fuck who told a tiny kid it was good and right.

i don't want to remember the physical sensations that occurred within my body even as i fought against the man who raped me. i said no. i fought like hell. still the question remains... if my body responded, then how can i call it rape? i did not want what happened, but that's not enough to absolve me of guilt. lyn and dr. c can tell us over and over that we are not to blame, but it won't sink in. we can tell ourselves we are not to blame and it doesn't sink in. what's there is the remembrance of my first year of marriage... and having to learn (i had to LEARN) to respond to the gentle touch of a loving man. all i had ever known was brutal, illicit, forced, compulsive, hurtful (translation: wrong) and i found that i didn't know how to respond to *it* as it was meant to be.

i can't believe i'm even writing this. i know the punishment that will come from having told these *secrets*. the fog is rolling in and the shaking has begun again. the shame is choking my breath, but dammit! we should be able to say these things and know that tho we are responsible for our own choices, we ARE NOT TO BLAME! we did not start this. we did not force or ask for the violation of this body and we NEED to believe that all that came after was the result of that crime, and not our own *badness*.

you sick mutherfucking sonofabitch. you created a victim but she SURVIVED!!! not only survived but will fight what you created and find the broken pieces of the innocence you shattered and HEAL! by what you did you've controlled every day of this life since and it's coming to an END! you will control this life NO MORE!